Love is Pain (or, Rachel’s Bachelorette Episode 7)

This was basically the Red Wedding of Bachelorette episodes, people. I can’t even. I mean, I know that I must, so I will, but really, I’m so disappointed in Rachel. Especially after last week’s master class in emotional intelligence, this week’s debacle was a real kick in the ‘nads.

What this season of the Bachelorette really illustrates to me is that when it comes to love, there’s no “the one.” There are a bunch of people who, as Dan Savage says, can be rounded up to one. Rachel is faced with four dudes, all of which represent extremely different paths– this season is basically a Choose Your Own Adventure where 3 out of 4 choices would have very pleasant endings. The fourth choice being Bryan. That story would end in being chopped into little pieces and stashed in a freezer by his mother (more on this below).

The good thing about the Bachelorette being so much better than it ever has been before is that, despite yourself, you really come to care about the people involved. The bad thing about the Bachelorette being so much better than it ever has been before is that, despite yourself, you really come to care about the people involved. There are REAL FEELINGS here, and with REAL NONHORRIBLE PEOPLE (a reality TV miracle similar to immaculate conception). Now that we’re so far along, even the nice moments are tinged with sadness, because it’s a pretty big bummer to think about any of these dudes getting their hearts stomped down the road. Except for Bor-yan. Wouldn’t mind seeing that dude cry– or at least, how his mom would react if he did.

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I don’t think I can write about the Bachelorette tonight

Way too upsetting. After peak Rachel last week, this week she really did Dean dirty….

So instead I’ll say how glad I was that my Roku began auto-playing Battle of the Network Stars. A show I would have never turned on on my own, but which is a delight! Celebrities divided hilariously onto teams (the episode i saw– TV lawyers vs. TV White House) competing in athletic challenges (kayaking in Olympic size pools, anyone?!?)? YEP!

*Watch* Yourself (or, Week 6 of Rachel’s Bachelorette Season)

Y’all, I am writing this at cafe with a lovely outdoor patio on a beautiful day. On the one hand it’s wonderful and very conducive to creativity– lots of people writing on ACTUAL PAPER (er I feel a little guilty about my laptop right now) and reading ACTUAL BOOKS (what is this, a time warp?). A guy with a purple mohawk complimented my hair! There are tiny dogs here! I’m going to move to this cafe!

But it has also taken me awhile to write this, because I’ve been a bit distracted by sitting next to the only two people talking about optimizing search terms and scalability– thanks for ruining the mood, GUYS. Fortunately they just took off so I’m now able to focus, and in the process gave me the best parting line which I plan on using in any and every situation: “Ok, I need to pee and then go to acupuncture.”

On to the Bachelorette. Here’s the thing y’all. This week was inspiring, educational, moving…. I truly believe that this week’s episode should be required watching at Adult School, because Rachel pretty much crushed it in terms of teaching the dude herd– and us– how to Relate in a Relationship. Girl is a feelings Jedi.

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“I’ve taken a Viking to you guys!” or, Rachel’s Bachelorette Season, Week 5, Episode 2

Y’all you know how cats carry toxoplasmosis and it infects their owners’ brains and makes them love the smell of cat pee? I feel like that’s happening to me with the Bachelor franchise. At first I was repelled by the idea of two episodes of the Bachelorette this week– almost 3 hours of TV, followed by blogging time! That’s pure madness!

By midway through part 1 of this week’s Bachelorette installment, I was already feeling it. Worn out, exhausted, couldn’t face another hour. But by the end of Week 5, Part 2… I was hungry for more.

This week is why we watch this nonsense, people.

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“I’m gonna shit in Lee’s boots!” Or, Rachel’s Bachelorette Season, Week 5, Part 1

I have to admit I was not at all looking forward to this week’s Bachelorette. First of all, two episodes is one episode (ok, probably two) too many. Second, by virtue of Lee being a jerkface, a show that is supposed to be dumber than paint has turned into a microcosm of the kind of serious conflict and social issues that people generally tune into reality TV to escape…. Let’s just say that much of this week’s subject matter, while obviously worthy of discussion, was the opposite of fluff and Not Much Fun At All.

However, we did get to see the dude herd stuffed into unitards so… that’s something.

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We’re Going On a Bimp! (Or, Rachel’s Bachelorette Season, Week 4)

You know how in modern times, people always tell you to follow your passions, that if you love what you do, you never work a day in your life? I have always been deeply suspicious of that, FIRST as propaganda that tech companies use to convince us that we should be happy to spend all of our lives at work because work is FUN, and SECOND because the best way to ruin something you love is to turn it into an obligation.

Well, some weeks, recapping the Bachelorette feels like work. This week…. was a lot.

First, Paradise, which is supposed to be a source of levity and B roll of pretty blonds having in-depth conversations with wildlife, was canceled because of a rumored terrible/potentially criminal incident.

Second, this week was heavy AF (as I will discuss below).

Third, the end of the episode promo’d a TWO EPISODE SPECIAL EVENT next week that ABC is trying to get us to believe is a Lee/Kenny slugfest. I do not want to see Kenny fall from grace and I especially do not want to devote TWO NIGHTS to the Bachelor next week. What are they trying to do, kill me? Even friends who don’t write way-too-long recaps agree that it feels like homework. Get a grip, ABC. We live in the digital age and we do not have time for your nonsense.

Rant over. Let’s dive in, shall we?

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