HEY Y’ALL, this still isn’t exactly timely, but I’m getting better! If you have an opinion, tell me what you think of this template, by the way. It’s not making my nether regions tingle or anything but I am not allergic to how the content is displaying, so this might be it for now. Comments welcome!
Anyway, on to business! Wow, this sure was a week on the Bachelor.* I guess taking a step back, it’s no more WTF than anything else that happens on this franchise, but it sure felt like a lot. I don’t even know where to start. With Vanessa’s hideous romper? Because no decorative strapless doily is worth the type of wedgie she was receiving. Perhaps with the note that Vanessa and Raven both had fake eyelashes that looked especially like eye spiders this week? Or that it was unanimous amongst the three of us watching together that Nick’s promo photo sitting intently with the rose definitely makes it look like he’s pooping?
*A friend taught me this method of description, by the way. If you have no idea how to respond to something that you are secretly horrified by, you just state the obvious in a really sincere. For example, “what a tiny [ugly] baby!”, “you cut your hair [and it looks terrible]!”
These observations** only really scratch the surface.
**Not even going to address the big Jimmy Kimmel spoiler. ABC, you are so terrible and yet I can’t break up with you. So I guess you’re like everyone I’ve ever dated. Me liking this show so much makes so much more sense!
Vanessa. Let’s start with the contestant who reminds me the most of tap water. When she and Nick were snorkeling, my friend shouted out, “the shipwreck is a metaphor for their relationship,” and SHE IS RIGHT. I will say I did very much enjoy her possibly-intentional burn where she confessed to being afraid of ending up like he did…. Zzzzzz, I’m sorry what? Are we still talking about Vanessa?
The Boat Date. Ok, so ABC kept showing a clip of Nick swimming, and then one of the women on the boat shouting, “Where’s Nick?” They really got my hopes up that this season ended with Nick being eaten by a shark! Way to go, producers, you got me this time.
Again, it’s striking just how much happier Nick looks surrounded by girls in bikinis than in any other situation. I guess that’s probably to be expected from any man who chooses to appear on the Bachelor, but whoa. He really took it into soft-core porn territory with that weird inner-thigh-sunscreen gambit. Settle down, we aren’t at the fantasy suite yet! (as you will remind Corinne later….)
Nick’s awful swimsuit (and generally awful short-shorts) do not merit commentary.
Rachel. I realize that last week I remarked that she would “hopefully” win. I subsequently realized I was thinking about winning in the abstract, where the prize is knowing that you’re the best at something– not an engagement to Nick “Vile” Viall. Take a dive, Rachel. Take a dive.
(Seriously though, does anyone have a read on what is wrong with her? Because she seems intelligent, reasonable, and lovely– what kind of childhood trauma could have possibly led her to the Bachelor?!?)
Corinne. Hollywood, if you have any common sense, you should be calling Corinne RIGHT NOW to offer her a comedy gig, because she’s hilarious in her talking heads. She’s still my favorite, because she is in this to be #1 and crush everyone in her path, which is remarkably refreshing (jury’s still out on whether she really believes she likes Nick as a human being, although it’s clear that she wants to jump him just as much as he wants to jump her. In my Corinne-based fan fiction she is engaged in an epic struggle for power). When Nick comforts Kristina on the boat, Corinne’s response is Machiavelli crossed with Sun Tzu. She’s smart enough to realize she can’t interrupt their moment, but strategic enough to plan three steps ahead so that she doesn’t “fall behind” the other women. It’s not her fault Nick turns out to be a drawer of pointless and bizarro lines (really Nick? You went into the bedroom and put your hands on her boobs before you realized it wouldn’t be fair to the other women or whatever? you don’t think that you could have had that conversation on the couch?)
I think from Corinne’s attachment to Raquel as her “best friend” and her family for Nick to meet on a hometown date, it’s pretty clear what kind of childhood trauma has created this beautiful killing machine.
Raven. Giving me strong dark-Willow vibes in this episode. Like, there’s a violent sociopath lurking inside her, and Raven is one cocktail party away from letting her out. Conversation in my apartment during Raven’s date with Nick:
Friend 1: “Raven looks like part of the Abrams family.”
Friend 2: “Oh yeah, the one with the Frankensteins!”
Me: “The Addams family?”
Friends 1 and 2: “Yeah!”
I have to give her an A+++ in manipulation for trotting out her dad’s cancer. “He’s fahhhn now, and I can’t wait for you to meet him.” Way to score another week of island vacation, Raven.
Danielle M. Knows the word “fruition” and can use it in a sentence. You can do better, girl.
Nick. I realized something watching this week’s episode. Nick doesn’t actually want to find love. He thinks he does– he’s got the talk track down, he’s convinced himself that he actually wants to meet someone– but every time he’s in danger of actually making a connection with one of the women, he retreats. He’s comfortable in the role of pursuer, and I think he’s actually in a weird way more comfortable getting rejected by a woman he thinks he loves, than being in a position of being offered love (or “love”). I mean it’s no shock that a dude on the Bachelor might not really be there to get married and be in love but he’s particularly striking because he’s not being disingenuous. I predict that he’ll propose to whoever’s left whom he can claim to love, but who doesn’t push him to make a truly deep emotional connection. Raven, perhaps? Unless her evil Wiccan vibe scares him away.
Last but not least….
KRISTINA THE BRAVE. I saved her for last because watching Nick make her feel sad made me the saddest of all. The more I saw of Kristina the more I was pulling for her– not to marry Nick, but to get something out of this experience that will make her happy, like perhaps an Instagram product-placement deal. She’s one of maybe two people who have ever weathered this experience with real dignity. Unlike the other women, she never confesses to being “terrified” or “so scared” that they wouldn’t get picked, because SHE HAS KNOWN REAL FEAR. She’s also the only woman who doesn’t crave Nick’s approval as validation (a theme I’m sure we’ll come back to every week). When he sends her home, she says that she “has a lot to give,” and she could have given it to him, i.e. that he was being a stupid fucking moron– which seems like the healthiest response on the Bachelor franchise since Sharleen on Juan Pablo’s season I have to admit I really worried for her when she started looking genuinely excited about Nick in her talking heads– I’m glad he sent her home before her case of Stockholm Syndrome got worse. R.I.P. Kristina, we hope to see you in Paradise….
Final thoughts. Chris Harrison really needs to learn how to use sunscreen…..