I’m a Bad Person (And I Feel Just Fine)

Welp y’all, I’m going to hell (“I’m so surprised” = you). Here’s the story.

My friend and I were hanging out, each of us looking up each of our ex-boyfriends (IT WAS FOR SCIENCE, I SWEAR) when I made an interesting discovery. I made an interesting discovery when I was looking up Boyfriend Numero Dos, my ex from high school.* His list number is appropriate because he was a shitty boyfriend, and in retrospect his breaking up with me (yep, my OT level is so low that shitty boyfriends always end up breaking up with me, rather than vice versa) was the best thing that could have happened to me.

I searched his unique-enough name and his over-a-decade-old unique-enough email handle. I didn’t see a Facebook account, Linkedin page, or anything else that would provide the information I needed (FOR SCIENCE), but I did find…

A federal criminal docket! Dude was apparently (allegedly**) dumb enough to steal from the federal government! But what, you might ask? A truck full of gold bricks from Fort Knox? The Declaration of Independence? Come on people, this is not National Treasure. No, in the year of our lord 2014, he took….


I’m just going to go out on a limb and call this one…. I winnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn.***

*who, I should note, was in college when I dated him. If any high school gals ever read this, college guys are NO BUENO. With the exception of gentlemen you actually knew when you were both in high school, the only college guys who want to date you are the ones who are too lame to score college chicks. Run. Run as fast as you can.

**I don’t know what ultimately happened to him because I refuse to pay for access to the docket. Any lawyers out there with Docket Navigator who want to help solve the mystery?

***Then again, I do have to live with having chosen to date him for a year… so I guess I still lose.

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