Best. Bachelor. Ever.

 

Y’all, I don’t think I have ever enjoyed an episode of the Bachelor as much as I enjoyed this week’s. I don’t care if it was scripted, I don’t care if not much actually happened. It warmed my li’l old charcoal briquette of a heart.
Last week I went a little overboard with the recap– the world doesn’t need eight million words on Vile Viall– so I’ll try to keep this one snappy. Ok, who am I kidding– snappier.

The Return of Andi! Hilarious and fantastic! Perhaps I feel that way because I am an excellent grudge-holder, and I’ve never forgiven Nick’s gross “why would you sleep with me and send me home” comments. But I think that millions of women across America felt vicariously vindicated by this interaction, in particular by Andi’s perfect look of barely-restrained contempt/disgust….

And by Nick’s mea culpa! Before this episode I was of the belief that closure is a myth made up by Oprah to sell her favorite things.* In real life, you never get to look mega hot in leather pants while your ex apologizes/provides whatever it is you need to make your heart stop feeling like a smushed blob of Play-Doh that somehow still longs for the foot that stepped on it. The only way to get closure is to force yourself to say that the book is closed. Which is why Nick’s profession of regret (elegant enough that I’m sure it was scripted– but sincere seeming!) was so fucking satisfying. Wish fulfillment!!! Just what the Bachelor promises but usually fails to provide!

thumbs-up

I drew a hand!

Corinne. I know this is a surprise but I’m not sorry to see her go. Drunk, power-hungry Corinne was my idol, and let’s face it, that woman was a mere shell of herself this episode. It’s better that she left rather spoiling the memories we made together. We’ll miss you, Corinne. Your sick burns will live in our hearts forever.

THAT BEING SAID, Corinne left us on a high note. I will say, her whole SUV-speech seemed perhaps planned in advance? Or maybe like a play for her to transition over to some new reality show where Corinne takes on the world? But you know what, I don’t care. I have transcribed the whole of her speech below, for everyone to read to themselves regularly as a reminder, like that breast self-exam you’re supposed to do every month. I’m contemplating either printing this and framing it or getting it tattooed on my butt. At the very least I think we can all agree that we wish Kathy Bates would do a dramatic reading, amirite?

“I’m trying to say things that men think are appropriate and you know what? I’m done trying to show my men how much I worship them and I love them and I care for them and I support them. I need that. So if someone feels that way about me, they can come and tell me and they can bring a ring to go along with it. I’m done trying to impress these men and I’m going to be me, and I’m never going to kiss up to a man ever again in my life. I’m tired and I’m going to go to sleep [falls asleep].”

Finland. Frankly, this whole episode was worth it for the footage of that reindeer herd! It make me want to turn off the Bachelor and watch Planet Earth (an aside– the best, and perhaps only, pickup line ever used on me was in law school, when a Chem PhD student approached me at the local grad student bar and asked me if I wanted to go back to his place and watch Planet Earth. How different life might be if I had said yes!). Anyway, Finland is Narnia and I want to go to there.

i-want-to-go-to-there

Raven. Oh Raven. You have really captured my heart! I will say that I’m pretty freaked out by the possibility that her hometown date literally brainwashed her. I.e., that because Nick was in the room when she got the good news about her dad, she associates him with the neurochemical rush of relief that flooded her noggin and is confusing it for love. Brains are mysterious, it’s a definite possibility. You should believe me because this one time I read a book by Oliver Sacks. Raven, seek some therapy before you marry this bozo, if you indeed are the “winner.”

But you know what? I don’t even want to talk about Nick, because who cares. I just want to talk about how adorable Raven is. She’s smart! She’s funny! Now that she has a heavy burden off her shoulders, her eyes are all sparkly! (see concerns above). She’s soooo pretty.

AND SHE’S GUTSY. Going back to last week’s rant, I bet a lot of y’all think Southern people are prudes to the max… but not Raven! She goes there! How many of y’all would do the following on national TV:

  • go on national TV and confess your sexual history?
  • at the age of 25, hold wise and sophisticated opinions about trust as a critical/foundational element of sexual expression?
  • at the age of 25, be able to have an open conversation with your boyfriend (ok “boyfriend”) about your sex life and desire to have your first orgasm?**

Not I, that’s for sure. She should be an advocate for Big O (that’s what the lobbying industry is called, right?) Her talking head was so wise. “It’s really taboo to discuss but it’s important. You just have to trust someone to be able to go there. [meaningful/thoughtful pause] Here we go! Today’s the DAY!” Wonderful.***

Raven. Girl. Ditch Nick and those extensions and you will be ALL SET to live your best life.

In Sum. Between Nick’s groveling and Raven charming the pants right off me, this week was a delight! Have we ever had such an empowering episode? Je think not.

Lagniappe:

  • Nick’s clothes in this episode! My god. His terrible black shirt-and-suit combination….. If any gentlemen are reading, just don’t do it. Seriously, don’t. He looked like a valet parker at an upscale sex club. And then his giant turtleneck that made him look like he belonged in a hobbit catalog…. If you’re reading this blog you probably already know about my fondness for apres-ski wear, so you can probably guess that I LOVED IT! More turtlenecks! A Nick-Viall branded line of turtlenecks, even! I would buy one for every mildly sleazy gentleman in my life!
  • The Final Four. Maybe I just have it on the brain because we’re only 46 days away, but is it just me or do the final four of Nick’s many ladies eerily parallel PLL’s four charming sociopath protagonists? Rachel is obviously the Spencer (the smart one). Corinne is Hannah, because they both lay down the sickest burns. Raven’s Aria– they’re strangely compelling, you believe they could be secretly evil, and they both are being seduced by inappropriate older men. That leaves Vanessa as Emily, which turns out to work pretty well, because they both only make one face and it is a weird hangry/sad combination.

*Loyal Opraheads, please don’t come after me! I’m sorry! I take it back!

**Is it just me or was there a (very understandable) flash of fear in Nick’s eyes during this conversation? I guess something finally happened that made me feel sorry for Vile Viall. As much as I admire Raven for having had the guts to spill all that to Nick, I don’t know if it all *needed* to be spilled to Nick per se, at least at that time/in that manner/in front of a camera. I wonder if this will be the undoing of Raven, actually.

*** Also wonderful– that Raven’s father “prayed for her to have an easy love.” I don’t care if that’s not feminist or whatever. It’s about the sweetest goddamn fathering you can hope for. Can we cancel the rest of Nick’s season and watch Raven’s family hang out in Hoxie instead?

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