Women Tell All (Oh Yeah They Do)

Y’ALL! Isn’t it nice when you’re moseying through your life, facing an experience that you expect to be painful, and then it turns out that you have a great time? I was expecting Women Tell All to be a slog– it’s so tedious when women just talk talk talk, they should just shut up and look pretty, amirite?!?!? — but then this very special 2 hour extravaganza turned out to be a delight! What was so great about it, you ask?

Not Chris Harrison’s Suit, that’s for sure. What happened to him and Nick this season? Their ties are simply unacceptable. And Chris decided to double down this week with an ugly pocket square. That said, Chris definitely has a hideous portrait of himself stashed in his basement, Dorian Gray style– has that dude visibly aged at all since the start of this franchise?

Three cheers for the chambong! I don’t know why you would actually need this, but according to the manufacturers, it is #classyAF! TBH that sorority viewing party looked kind of fun. And it was also entertaining to watch Nick eat a cupcake, because I am pretty sure he hasn’t eaten a carb since his television debut on Andi’s season.

Also– did anyone else notice that the Backstreet Boys have morphed into DuJour from Jose and the Pussycats? If you have not seen that movie yet, it should be at the top of your list– it is a delightful and sly meditation on friendship and capitalism. Plus it has Parker Posey and Alan Cumming! And Gabriel Mann, who subsequently went on to play Nolan Ross on Revenge!

 

Corinne: 1 zillion, Taylor: zilch. Ugh. I can’t even. If I worked at Johns Hopkins I would be calling Taylor first thing Monday morning and asking for my degree back. How insufferable and patronizing to bloviate about how you’re just “trying to help someone.” Girl. You are living in a house, competing to all date the same guy. Put on your own oxygen mask first. Also, just because you think of yourself as the smart one doesn’t mean you’re the smart one. Taylor should know better than anyone that there are many different types of intelligence– and hers was clearly not the kind that mattered.

So interesting to see how the women of the house allied themselves. All of the ones who looked really hungry backed up Taylor– did anyone notice that none of them touched their cheese pasta? Everyone with a personality/who is not existentially threatened by carbs wanted Taylor to STFU, obviously. Let’s start a Change.org petition for a reality show where Corinne, Jasmine, and Josephine live in a house together and have adventures (have you noticed that all of my TV wishes involve people living in a house together and having adventures?)

Because I’m a terrible person, I enjoyed watching Taylor implode and try the ultimate desperate move of offering an apology to try to get one in return– lolol yeah fail. I almost stood up and cheered at Corinne’s “thank you,” followed by…. nothing…. as Taylor’s face crumpled. It was Swamp Face– the same expression as when Nick and Corinne jetted off and left her in the bayou. This just proved an important life lesson. No matter how right you think you are, or how wrong you think someone else is, if you’re letting them live rent free in your head, you always lose.

Corinne. Definitely had her groove back. The many champagne power moves! The clip of her perfectly on point “I need you!” to the champagne in the bubble bath– perfect! Chubby Bunny with the cheese cubes– fab! It broke my heart when she said she wasn’t the brightest crayon in the box because goddamn it she is. Crayola should take scientifically determine which of their many crayons is the brightest and rename that baby “Corinne.” Anyway, I think I have realized why my love for Corinne is so deep, and it is because she just seems to have a good time at, well, everything. Having a point of view and enjoying oneself is so deeply appealing. I look at her and want some of that Corinne magic to rub off on me. Corinne, keep doing you and we had BETTER see you in Paradise.

Buck up, KRISTINA THE BRAVE. Such a bummer to see that she does not appear to be over Vile. She is like a Disney princess who took a wrong turn. Girl you are clearly smart, resilient, funny, you won the DNA jackpot in the face department– pull it together and focus on making that paper off Instagram. If you write a children’s book I’ll definitely watch Katie Couric interview you about it.

I am all in on Alexis. Gills! That’s how you know it’s a shark!

The Curse of the Sloppy Danielles.  Danielle M. Let’s be real. You need to put down the bleach and walk away. Plus if you’re going to wear something that leans so heavily on double-stick tape, at least make sure it’s well tailored and not droopy dawg. When you try less hard you are a dead ringer for Ali Larter– ru n with that. Danielle L., I don’t know what to say, other than (for the millionth time) get to therapy immediately. Still baffled about why these gals are so broken up even after they leave the Bachelor compound and can, like, watch TV again. If you were Danielle L., wouldn’t you get out of the breakup SUV, flip on Top Chef in your hotel room, and then fall on the floor like a fainting goat because you have been struck with the realization that you are so much better off without Vile?

Liz’s weird pants! Yep those were pants. HOORAY FOR PANTS! So bananas. Loved them! (I tried to find a clear shot of these and couldn’t, so I guess you’ll have to watch.)

Explicit feminism. There was lots of it in this episode! Liz’s “you are worthy of love regardless of how skanky you are!” was nice, but felt a little like it was calculated to lead to a show on the Oxygen network. There were a lot of moments like that. I guess calculated or not it is better to have people being not gross than gross. Although sometimes gross makes for better entertainment.

Rachel. Let’s end with Rachel so we can feel a little better on a nice weekend day. Still funny, still chill, still is photogenic AF…. I hope I don’t end up repelled by her like I was by Andi and Jojo towards the end of their season. I think Rachel could be, not just the first Bachelor/ette of color, the first Bachelor/ette who doesn’t make me want to hurl my TV out the window. You can do it Rachel! Dream big! Or at least as big as you can on any venture where Chris Harrison is along for the ride.

Looking forward to next week’s three hour event, y’all! And remember– DUJOUR MEANS FAMILY!

xoxo

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