Update from the Trenches

Y’all, I’m starting to get worried that I’m not going to have any luck trapping a husband on the online marketplace. Admittedly, it has only been a few months of trying, but it has been awhile since any humanbagels have wanted to drink my coffee. I have given some thought to why this might be, and I have Come Up With A Theory.

… Sorry y’all, I kind of click-baited you a little bit up there. It’s not actually a unique or insightful theory. When it comes down to it, I think I might not actually be putting down what the gentlemen in my metropolitan area are looking to pick up.

“That’s crazy!” you’re probably exclaiming right now. Your coworkers are probably staring at you over their monitors, leaving you to mumble how surprised you are about the numbers in Column D of the Excel sheet you have up on your screen as cover so that no one knows you spend the end of every afternoon noodling around the Tubes, which is what we should all be calling the Internet. “You’re so funny! And smart! And cool! And ravishingly beautiful!” you say (still speaking aloud, for some reason), making it much more difficult to convince your coworkers that you’re talking about Excel.

Well, my friends, you’re right but it’s not crazy. I am fighting an uphill battle here. My highly scientific process for reaching this conclusion involves reading the male humanbagels’ responses to the prompt, “I like it when my date….” There are definitely some common themes, none of which bode too well for me.

  • They like it when their date smiles. During four years at a law firm, my craniofacial “smile” musculature atrophied from lack of use. The best I can manage now is a weak grimace.
  • They like it when their date laughs at their jokes. I read this as, “I want a personified appreciation society with whom I can also have sex!” Strike two for me.
  • They like it when their date is on time. Welp, that’s strike three. Unless “on time” means “the time when I arrive.” Which I think it should, but other people tend not to agree.
  • They also like women who are sweet, who “dress nice [sic],” and who are “motivated and know what they want out of life.” I’m doomed.

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