Business As Usual – How to Keep Your Office (or, the “Smell and Yell”)

Y’all, I realized recently that I am failing you by only addressing issues relating to TV and the darkly comedic despair that is online dating. If there’s anything I love in this world, it’s helping people (LOL), which is why I have recently become a successful (LOLOL) advice columnist, making your lives better with my wisdom (LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL).

Q&A has been going SO WELL (the “L” and “O” buttons on my keyboard were just like “please give us a break biotch”) that I have decided to expand the reach of my advice. If you’re like I am, half your life is spent under fluorescent office lights spending 80% of your mental capacity trying to decide what to eat for lunch/trying not to fall asleep after you have actually eaten lunch, 15% on furball-related memes, and the remaining 5% sending passive aggressive emails to your coworkers trying to convey without stating explicitly that you already answered that fucking question and could they please go kill themselves rather than ask it to you again. That is to say, when you’re a workin’ girl (or guy), situations arise that require… navigation.

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Which is where I come in to help! Whether you want me to or not, I’ll be doling out WERK advice in a new feature called Business As Usual. Starting… now!  Allons y!

These days I know a lot of people (myself included) whose workplaces are considering getting rid of offices and moving to open plan. Which, obviously, is a disaster. An office is necessary for many things, including: a) eating an odiferous lunch, b) calling your doctor about that weird bumpy rash without anyone overhearing you, and c) sleeping under your desk for a couple minutes while everyone just thinks you’re in a meeting. Also d) keeping your door closed and pretending you’re on the phone any time anyone tries to come in and talk to you about work. An office is 100% necessary to quality of life!

That’s why I have concocted a two step plan to avoid getting shunted into the cube farm with the rest of the cattle should your office be considering such a move. I call it– the “Smell and Yell.”

Step one: smell. Stop wearing deodorant. This will take sacrifice. You’re going to have to become smelly enough that you are offensive to everyone within a three-foot range, including yourself. Five feet on a hot day. Tell anyone who tries to gently talk to you about it that you have switched to holistic deodorant because the commercial stuff causes cancer. If you’re feeling really naughty you can tell them you’re using crystals now instead.  Your boss will keep you in your office purely so that no one else has to smell you. Remain obdurate in your refusal to not stink until any office-reorg has occurred, at which point you can resume hygiene.

Step two: yell. Shout into your speakerphone constantly. It doesn’t matter if you are actually talking to someone– you have an office, so no one will be able to tell. I recommend shouting “SYNERGY!”, “REVENUE TARGETS!”, and “COME ON BOBBY, DON’T GIVE ME THIS HORSESHIT” at random intervals. Be loud enough that people  gossip about your lack of inside voice. The powers that be will a) think you’re a superstar! and b) give you an office to protect everyone else’s eardrums.

Smell and Yell, everyone. It’s as easy as it sounds. Good luck and let me know how it goes.

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