When I get reincarnated, I’m coming back as an Eames chair

I spend so much time exhorting y’all to watch TV that will (not “may,” *will*) make you stupider, I owe it to you to share the only useful media I consumed as part of my thoroughly mediocre public school education.* I don’t know what made me think of this, but you’re welcome.

*Yes, we watched the Teri Polo Phantom of the Opera TV miniseries in my AP English Lit II class… then read the script… all in total burning at least 7 days of class time. Actually, this could explain a lot about my current life circumstances. Will unpack this further in thurpy.

Oh Lord, I’m Going to Need a Bigger TV (or, Rachel’s Bachelorette Season, episode 1)

Y’all, Rachel’s season of the Bachelorette has started. And although I was initially skeptical, after the first episode I am a TRUE BELIEVER. Not least because there is so much hotness all in one place. It’s like Shark Week, but if the sharks were hot dudes…. I’m going to start googling 3D TV. If that’s not a thing yet, ogling this pack of gentleman is the perfect use case. GET ON IT CONSUMER ELECTRONICS INDUSTRY, I EXPECT TO SEE THIS AT CES NEXT YEAR.

How are the men this season so good? Usually they’re a bunch of derps and flakes, but this group has personality! It’s almost as though there was a whole  pool of dudes ABC hadn’t tapped into before… Oh wait. Cough/clear throat…. Anyway, we have much to discuss, so let’s jump right in.

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Aw dang, is it that time again?

Is the Bachelorette on? Am I supposed to be watching ABC’s newest prepackaged Quest for Twue Wuv? HOW MUCH VELVEETA CAN ONE PERSON BE EXPECTED TO EAT? (sidebar: 1) I can actually eat a lot of Velveeta, or at least I could back in the 90s. Bet I’ve still got it! 2) Should the television version be Tel-Veeta or is that just TOO TOO MUCH?)

Anyway, look, I’m going to get around to it. I’m going to watch Rachel, whose charming quirks and sassafras have already been sanded into dull ABC-approved-sweet-as-pie-guarded smiles, search for love amongst a herd of greased-up protein-crushing bozos. I’LL WATCH, OKAY? And then I’ll write super tedious multi-volume reviews of each episode.

But just so you know, this is how I’ll feel about it.

Chicken In Sink

Someone get me some high-waisted khakis and a pair of Sketchers fitflops…

… because y’all, I am no longer a spring chicken.  No way! You’re so young! you say, after I stare at you pointedly and cough.

But unfortunately you’re wrong. I might still have a tight body and be hot AF– you do! you are! you say after I “accidentally” kick you under the table– but I’m definitely getting to an age that will soon be described as “mature.”

As with all things, I realized this because of TV.

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Congratulations to ME! It’s a twins!

… If by “a twins” I mean “a spec script I wrote within a couple months of my last spec script.” Like the writing version of those weird twin situations where a mom pops out one and then months later here comes another, like whoopsadoo! Here it is, in all its glory, the reason I haven’t been any fun in AGES.

If you don’t watch Kimmy Schmidt, don’t bother, it’s too cool for you anyway. Just kidding. You’re probably too cool for it. Actually, that’s definitely it. But maybe if you care about me you’ll catch up on some UKS and then read my script and tell me you like it? Just, like, if you care about my feelings, no big deal.

Thanks per uzhe (HOW DOES ONE SPELL THIS? CAN SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME THX) to my best reader Anabananabel. U da best, li’l bundt cake.

Kimmy Does a Good Deed!