Is the Bachelorette on? Am I supposed to be watching ABC’s newest prepackaged Quest for Twue Wuv? HOW MUCH VELVEETA CAN ONE PERSON BE EXPECTED TO EAT? (sidebar: 1) I can actually eat a lot of Velveeta, or at least I could back in the 90s. Bet I’ve still got it! 2) Should the television version be Tel-Veeta or is that just TOO TOO MUCH?)
Anyway, look, I’m going to get around to it. I’m going to watch Rachel, whose charming quirks and sassafras have already been sanded into dull ABC-approved-sweet-as-pie-guarded smiles, search for love amongst a herd of greased-up protein-crushing bozos. I’LL WATCH, OKAY? And then I’ll write super tedious multi-volume reviews of each episode.
But just so you know, this is how I’ll feel about it.