Oh Lord, I’m Going to Need a Bigger TV (or, Rachel’s Bachelorette Season, episode 1)

Y’all, Rachel’s season of the Bachelorette has started. And although I was initially skeptical, after the first episode I am a TRUE BELIEVER. Not least because there is so much hotness all in one place. It’s like Shark Week, but if the sharks were hot dudes…. I’m going to start googling 3D TV. If that’s not a thing yet, ogling this pack of gentleman is the perfect use case. GET ON IT CONSUMER ELECTRONICS INDUSTRY, I EXPECT TO SEE THIS AT CES NEXT YEAR.

How are the men this season so good? Usually they’re a bunch of derps and flakes, but this group has personality! It’s almost as though there was a whole  pool of dudes ABC hadn’t tapped into before… Oh wait. Cough/clear throat…. Anyway, we have much to discuss, so let’s jump right in.

ABC’s ability to thread the needleThe writers this season had a tough job. (OMG IF YOU ARE READING THIS AND CAN GET ME ONTO THE BACHELOR WRITING STAFF PLEASE EMAIL ME – potatopotato321@hotmail.com). Mere months ago Rachel got her heart broken on national TV and they had to sell both the genuineness of her time on Vile Viall’s season and her openness to finding love with a new dude herd. Nicely sold, ABC!

Rachel. I admit it, I didn’t give her enough credit. Despite my misgivings arising from her appearance on After the Final Rose, she remains engaging, appealing, funny, and has a super watchable telepresence. Finally, a bachelorette who doesn’t make me want to Qtip my ear holes (in the bad way, not the fun sexy way).

The Vile Squad. Corinne! Kristina! Jubilee! Raven! Shark-dolphin! That other one who looks like Cece’s roommate from New Girl! Oh how I have missed your beautiful faces! ABC, this is proof of concept of a reality show that you MUST develop even if you test it out as online-only content! How on earth did they manage to find a group of actually wonderful gals to compete for Vile’s heart? Gals, you are the true meaning of Christmas.

The Dude Herd. For the reference of those who aren’t watching along, here are the bio’s of Rachel’s hunkuses. I think the most productive thing to do would be to recap each of their individual intros and then give a rundown on how they behave in a group setting There were so many dudes that this is going to be a series of impressionistic free-associations…..

Kenny. The pro wrestler. He’s adorable! His kid is adorable! He seems nice and (except for being a pro wrestler) normal! “Smart and successful” are the qualities he’s looking for! Kenny came out of the gate hot and only took 2nd in my heart because Will pulled my top favorite Bach move of all time (see below).

Jack. Dallas lawyer. Wow, grim story about parental death during formative years. His eyes contain a well of sadness.

Alex. A meathead who codes! Likes “science, math computers, Rubik’s cubes.” His mom says no kissing on the show, except “on the cheek is allowed.” Seems wildly adorable. Despite dumb vacuum-cleaner/”clean up crew” intro pun coming out the limo, managed to snag this ep’s bronze medal (again, in my heart).

Mohit. A startup bro. Nope. Nope nope nope! Looks like another derpy Bay Area tech baby.

Whaboom! Old before it even began. Out of curiosity, is, “Rachel, whaboom is coming for you” a threat or a promise? Did the people in his life tell him to go on the show just to get him to leave them alone for a few months? I will say though that him shouting out of the limo that one of his testicles is larger than the other and that it’s completely normal… And the obnoxious bullhorn narration of other peoples’ itneractions with Rachel…. I’m glad the producers are forcing her to keep him around.

Blake. Apparently has an amazing penis. I can only reward this kind of dumb editing when the dude has more charisma than Blake.

Diggy. Tells himself in the mirror that he looks good. YEP.

Josiah. Really moving “full circle story,” as Rachel says. Solo, seems like a great catch. As will be discussed later, unattractive personality traits emerge in a group setting.

Bryan. is it just me or does he look like Canadian Daniel??? Daniel on the left, Bryan on the right. Speaks slow, well-enunciated Spanish to Rachel and she swoons. Apparently a good kisser.

Rob. Law student. NEXT.

Oh also– referring to your dating fantasy-draft is corny and not great but also not terrible. Making a laminated trading card of a person you’d like to have sex with but have never met…..

Did I say “next” already?

Iggy. Good looking. Keep for no other reason than allowing us to talk about Iggy and Diggy.

Bryce. Firefighter, weirdly swooped hair

Will. Got out of the limo, performed a truly spectacular Steve Urkel/Stefan Urquelle gag. Immediately became my favorite person, not just on the Bachelor, but of all time, even including Mr. Rogers and Buzz Aldren. About two months ago, I decided that there was no future between myself and an otherwise acceptable-on-paper humanbagel after he a) failed to laugh at a Steve Urkel/Stefan Urquelle joke that was (if I may say so myself) hilarious, and then b) responded with, “you really like the ’90s, huh.”

YES. YES I DO, BAGEL.

Anyways, point being, WILL, I WILL MARRY YOU IF RACHEL DOES NOT.

Kyle – marketing consultant, I appreciate that he brought food.

Blake K – Marine, very intense, from SF, no real gimmick but very handsome and manly

Brady – male model. Very attractive head on but weirdly unattractive at 3/4 profile. I appreciate his sledgehammer/ice breaking pun and the fact that someone in the house shouted “Thor’s here!” when he walked in.

***at this point I realized how many men there still were to get through and almost threw my remote at the TV. Proof that there can be too much of a good thing. and yet, we bravely soldier on.***

Dean. Smart enough to realize that he should be reeeeeeeeeal nervous in hindsight about his After the Final Rose opening line “I wanna go black and never go back.” Also his eyes are weirdly wide-set.

Eric. Boring. Next.

DeMario. Dogs the other dudes in a super aggressive way. Apparently “not here for the right reasons,” already making him one of my favorites.

Blake. “Aspiring drummer.” LOLOLOL.

That commercial for Dirty Dancing Live – I am simultaneously terrified and excited. IN.

Fred. Knows Rachel from elementary school. Reformed bad boy. Hilarious. I’m on board.

Jonathan. The tickler must go. Here’s what Wikipedia has to say about tickling, or as it is referred to on the site, “tickle torture”:

Tickle torture is a term used to mean the use of tickling to abuse, dominate, harass, humiliate, or interrogate an individual. While laughter is popularly thought of as a pleasure response, in tickle torture, the one being tickled may laugh despite whether or not he or she finds the experience pleasant. In a tickling situation, laughter can indicate a panic reflex rather than a pleasure response. Tickle torture may be a consensual activity or one that is forced, depending on the circumstances.[1] In a consensual form, tickle torture may be part of a mutually fulfilling, physically-intimate act between partners. However, forced tickle torture can cause real physical and mental distress in a victim, which is why it has been used as an interrogation method or to simply show dominance over another person.

Cut this asshole immediately. Seriously.

Lee. Singer/songwriter. Bad hair, but we will try to be open minded. Poor guy just isn’t that talented, no wonder he has to go on the Bach to promote himself, because his music definitely doesn’t stand on its own.

Milton. the dude PURRED. Also, he’s a crier. Remarks– multiple times, wrongly– that he is the best dressed man in the house. And when Rachel cuts him, his only commentary is– “I brought a bunch of outfits I wanted to wear and didn’t even get the chance. I might as well have worn a t-shirt and shorts.”

Well shoot, now I wish he were still around so I could see these magical outfits. Thanks a lot Milton.

Adam. Oh boy. What is there to say about Adam? I have no words for him, because I am saving them all to use on Adam Junior. His VENTRILOQUIST DUMMY. Yes, you read that correctly. Those of you who watched this week know that Adam Junior is simultaneously the most terrifying and hilarious thing to ever happen to this show (way more so than Chad, ya bunch of masculinity-hating, protein-averse crybabies!). When people ask me why I want to write for reality TV, I am going to point them to the clip of Adam Junior speaking fluent French in a talking head. If this doesn’t sound amazing, then you need to put the work in and actually watch the damn episode.

BTW Blake gets the Tanner Tolbert Award for Best Shade for the line, “this little doll is super creepy, it’s almost as bad as trying to tickle her.”

Matt. Penguin suit. Could have easily read as stupid but it was great! So good how you can’t actually see his eyes during his talking head because the penguin suit gets in the way. Gets many points for the line, “I’m going to waddle right into her heart.”

Grant. Emergency medicine physician. Pretty boring but credit for the line, “there’s an emergency– apparently there’s a woman here getting bored to death.” ZING!

Anthony. Boring. Next.

Jamey. Pointy chin. Next.

Jack Stone. Attorney from Dallas. Has the name of a love interest in a trashy novel. Why so many people from Dallas? Do they not expect her to move?

Jedidiah. ER physician. Did not wear a suit jacket (a risk that in my mind did not pay off). Are they pulling dudes directly from the Oregon Trail? Next!

Mike Black. Oh boy. Not going to touch the whole brownie schtick.

The first cocktail party/rose ceremony. Because sometimes we can have nice things, the producers forced Rachel to send Whaboom! on to the next round. Josiah is already referring to himself in the third person– not a good sign. He has started bird dogging the other dudes real hard in a way that is not cute, unfortunately forcing me to downgrade him to the borderline-NEXT list. DiMario owns that territory, Josiah. You focus on being upstanding and whatnot and you’ll be fine.

I’m disappointed that Bryan got the first impression rose. It’s like, I understand the power of chemistry, but he’s all hair grease and romance languages. Him getting the first rose is, to me, quite telling. Rachel is hot, charming, smart, successful– there’s a reason she’s dating on reality TV and not happily settled down. I’d be willing to betcha anything it’s because she goes for the Bryans of the world when true happiness lies with the Kenny’s. (Or obviously, the Wills.) We’ll see how this plays out.

Rachel’s cocktail party outfit reminds me exactly of a dress my Barbie had in 1989. All that to say, I don’t hate it!

Ok that was a lot. Can’t wait for next week! Until then– did you guys drug test?

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