Bachelorette Week Two (Part Un): Airport Burrito Edition

Y’all this was such a good week of the Bachelorette.

I’m not just saying that just because I watched it at JFK airport, jet lagged, loopy, and surrounded by a family of four British children screaming about alleged cheating at UNO.*/**/* **

I’m not just saying it because staring at Rachel’s Dude Herd was the only thing that kept me from weeping frustrated tears as my flight time kept getting pushed back on the Departures board.****

The guest spot by Ashton and Mila. Copper the dog. THE “HUSBAND MATERIAL” OBSTACLE COURSE. A crazy ex gf/lying bro dog/coverup that was worse than the crime! This week was full of good stuff!

Oh, and did I mention that Rachel might actually have some genuinely decent dudes?

With that in mind … Let’s Do This.

—————————————————–

*”Awl yew do is look at peeple’s cahds!” [tears tears tears]

**Could it be true? Was I hallucinating? Did they refer to one of their sprogs as “Dexter”?

*** Could I have moved? Sure. But as a matter of principle I felt it was important to stake out my (comfortable, spacious, plug-adjacent) seat and stare down the feral pack and their fecund parents until they got the message that they should never go out in public again.

*****BTW may I just interject that even if an airport burrito *looks* like a good idea, it is not? The more you know.

Chris Harrison’s plastic surgeon. I know I’ve mentioned this before, but he has to have a really good one, right? Every season he transforms more and more into a bird of prey, like a weird pedigreed falcon.

Lee’s Patagonia sweatshirt. I have one just like it and I AM WEARING IT RIGHT NOW. Coincidence?!?

Barbecue/football situation. Why is Rachel cooking for the guys? Why are they drinking out of copper Moscow mule mugs at a barbecue? Everything about this situation seems off.

My new friends Ashton and Mila. We are clearly destined to be on a first name basis. These two crazy kids! Mila is hot as shit but Ashton’s looking a little ragged, must be the double-toddler situation. The most believable thing that has ever happened on this trash-fire of a show is Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis being so excited to leave their kids at home with the parents and go out during the day.

Mila’s “everyone here has a job?” Perfection. Also, Blake, I saw you say yes. You are an ASPIRING DRUMMER.

Can we talk about Blake? What a dumbass. Didn’t he watch Nick’s Bachelor season? Why is he being a Taylor? (If only Whaboom were a Corinne and not… Whaboom). Jack and Kenny played it smart/conspicuously stayed out of it. Blake, bro dog, you are sealing your own doom. Thank god, because I do not want to watch your derpy face past next week.

The “Husband Material” obstacle course.  Pure gold! Clean (fake?) poop off a plastic baby! Put on a baby bjorn! Clean hair out of drain! Unclog a sink! Set a table! RUN RUN RUN! Major cities should hold these as singles events and/or spectator sports!  Some highlights:

  • “I mean I poop every day, so I think I can handle it alright.”
  • Lucas drowning his plastic baby at the sink. Not caring.
  • Mila Kunis shouting at Lucas about his table settings. “IT’S NOT PRESENTABLE!”
  • Mila Kunis falling on the ground laughing.
  • Mila Kunis generally.
  • Lucas SPIKING HIS PLASTIC BABY in a victory dance.
  • Blake also dropping his baby and not caring! Blake, you hate Lucas but is it because you are too similar?!?!!?!?

The Husband-Material challenge is basically the perfect psych experiment. You know how in college you’d sign up to participate in experiments because you were poor and they’d give you $10 gift cards? And they’d make you solve a puzzle or fill out a questionnaire but the real test was how you’d act in the waiting room? I feel like the same setup applies with these hilarious plastic babies.  You’ve got the dummy brigade putting their bebes in mortal peril….

And then you have Jack. Jack seems like kind of a dud (or at least has about the same chemistry with Rachel as drywall)—but in his talking head, he is STILL CRADLING THE PLASTIC BABY IN THE BJORN. IT IS NOT A REAL BABY. THE CHALLENGE IS OVER. HE JUST HAS THE IMPULSE TO CRADLE IT. Women watching, take note. For one of you lucky ladies, he is a dream carved of human flesh.

“Tickle Monster.” Jonathan’s occupation. CUT HIM RACHEL CUT HIM NOW.

Group date #1. Kind of saggy this week.  This whole group of candidates is lukewarm, and it hurts me to say it, because I really like Kenny. Iggy, you are killing me.  “From a career perspective, what’s on the horizon for you?” NEXT.

Peter. Rachel, I know that you signed a contract and the network is going to make you go through with the rest of this charade. But girl, it’s time to quit while you’re ahead. If you don’t marry Peter, I WILL! And not just because he earned the approval of Copper the Diggity Dawg (although ABC really should have put a warning label on the screen when Peter was wearing neon aviators, holding Copper and dancing, my ovaries were definitely pretty close to exploding).

Ok look, Peter’s not perfect…. He wears a navy sport coat with khakis, which is a look that I associate with twelve year old prep school boys. And, um. He hugs with his butt sticking out? That’s just a Midwestern thing, though, he can learn. Oh and wanting to move back to Michigan is definitely concerning, winter is no joke.

But I really want him to be the real deal! And that’s huge, because I never get invested in the Bachelor! He and Rachel have an interaction that feels really real. You know they feel really comfortable with each other, because they’re talking about real/serious things inappropriately early (ok, maybe nothing is inappropriately early on the Bachelor), and it doesn’t seem weird. Including:

  • The teeth their children would have! (ok that was adorable, right? They both have the best teeth ever!
  • Where they’d live/move to—Dallas? Michigan? SoCal? (the answer is SoCal, obviously)
  • Going to therapy after having bad breakups. Serious note—that is some real and important sh*t they were talking about. In a weird way getting your heart cracked into a million pieces can be the best thing that could possibly happen to you, because when it happens you have to take a hard look at the fragments and figure out what’s there. Then, if you work hard, you can glue the pieces back together in a way that works better than before—and that’s when you’re ready to recognize what you need and go after it. The fact that they did that—and that they can talk about it in a calm and nondramatic way, on national TV, without a hint of the usual Bachelor “big reveal” melodramatic-face—is awesome.

So happy for those smitten kittens! Let’s just hope Rachel doesn’t backslide to last week’s Bryan nonsense.

I think that’s enough for one post, don’t you? Those of you who watched the episode know that the second half takes a sharp left turn…. So let’s end this one on a high note, shall we? Part 2 to follow!

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