Trust Me, I’m on a Ketogenic Diet (or, Rachel’s Bachelorette Season, Week 3)

Y’all, ABC is trolling us in the best possible way and it is magnificent. Sure, last week’s basketball antics were fun on their own– but they are FREAKIN’ HYSTERICAL now that we know that in college, Rachel dated KEVIN GOSH DARN DURANT. I have plenty of conspiracy theories about their breakup sending Rachel on a dark, twisted path to reality TV…. but I’ll save those for another post. For now, let’s all let out a collective AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA when we remember the dude herd bricking shots…. and how proud DeMario was because he could dunk. She dated KD y’all! LOLOLOLOL.

Ok, now that we have that out of our system… on to the third week of Rachel’s Qwest for Twue Wuv!

DeMario’s feeble reappearance. Kinda clammy. Not interesting enough to talk about (except for Rachel creating a Stroop effect when she is schooling DeMario on moving “forward” and not “back” and points in the reverse directions.)

Next.

Rachel’s cocktail-party makeup is distracting. The super frosted lip/extra fake lashes are wearing her, not the other way around. Her talking-head makeup is much better.

Not being there for the right reason. Come on y’all. It’s 2017. Can we admit that a shot at a sweet Instagram product-placement gig is the ” right reason” for going on this godforsaken franchise? If someone does find Twue Wuv, it’s basically a bonus at this point.

Ellen. Was fun. They definitely picked the A team (plus Jonathan) for this one. I feel kinda bad for Jonathan being the clear odd man out/butt of the joke but good for him for being enthusiastic? I can’t feel too bad though because he’s a tickler, and tickling is Satan’s pastime.

Alex. Sorry y’all, but Alex has lost his place in the standings at least this week.  It’s that overeager thing. Dude take a chill pill, you don’t need to solve a Rubik’s cube and make such direct eye contact at the same time. However I did appreciate his highly enthusiastic dancing. Also I appreciated his bromance with Will, who in his talking head noted that “Alex is just this big burly Russian dude and he doesn’t give a DAMN.” Gold.

Peter. Still has my approval but definitely lied about whether he had thought about having sex with Rachel.

Fred. Poor Fred. I felt bad for his pain– but Rachel did him a huge favor putting him out of his memory. He’s not wrong that it’s not “fair” that Rachel couldn’t get past the memories of him as a little kid (ew, did she have to say “it was like a little boy was kissing me”)– but dude is so in love with the *idea* of Rachel that he can’t possibly see the actual human woman in front of him. “I’ve been waiting to kiss him for 20 years,” “this girl is so deeply rooted in my soul that I can’t go a day or go to sleep or wake up without thinking about her.” Everyone has an insane crush sometimes…. but pursuing it on national TV (or at all) can’t possibly go well. Better to move on now than spend another 20 years obsessing. We believe in you Fred! You seem like a nice dude! You’ll make someone very happy as soon as you grab a shovel and get Rachel’s roots out of your soul!

Rachel making out with all the dudes. Good for her for test driving them!

Mud wrestling. Kind of boring (mostly because with the exception of Kenny, these dudes were the B team– also, does anyone know why they forced Kenny to throw this match? no way he actually lost to Bryce)– but at least the producers realized that they should just fly in the fearsome foursome of Raven/Corinne/Jasmine/Alexis whenever possible to spice things up. Is it just me or is Corinne not thrilled to be in the supportive friend role? Girl deserves the spotlight!

Anthony’s weird horseback Rodeo Drive date. Anthony seems sweet. He’s 26. Next.

Eric. Every season there’s someone who doesn’t realize what show s/he signed up for. On Nick’s season it was Vanessa– and he gave her that Neil Lane rang, so I suppose it’s not necessarily a fatal flaw. This season it’s Eric. I’m sorry but Eric has to go. He is “falling for Rachel” but “feel[s] like she’s emotionally unavailable.” Because she’s dating the entire dude herd. Which is the entire premise of this show. And has been for over a decade.

Deep breath.

Deep breath.

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL.

And scene.

Lee. As bad as Eric is, Lee is way worse. He’s weirdly aggressive, uses details clearly shared in the sacred bond of bromance against Eric. Why do these dudes all tattle so much? Plus he drops the most jerkface burn– “I’m glad you got the rose. It’s good! You deserve it– for growth.” I get a bad feeling from this hombre and his music is weak sauce. Lee and his haircut GOT TO GO.

Whaboom and Blake E. Best for last! That banana-standing-over-bed story was so wackadoo and, I don’t think, entirely made up! Clearly Blake E. doesn’t eat bananas because he’s on a ketagenic diet (AHAHAHA)… but he DID NOT DENY standing over Lucas’s bed and watching him sleep. His only, feeble argument was that “someone would have seen him.” Not if you were extra creepily careful not to get caught, Blake E.!

Also, makes perfect sense that Lucas is a failed comedian…. Ugh.Their confrontation looked pretty cathartic, they should have had this out on day 1 and then spent the rest of their time in the mansion focusing on lining up Instagram product placement.

Put that banana down, are you trying to make me fat?

Until next time!

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