We’re Going On a Bimp! (Or, Rachel’s Bachelorette Season, Week 4)

You know how in modern times, people always tell you to follow your passions, that if you love what you do, you never work a day in your life? I have always been deeply suspicious of that, FIRST as propaganda that tech companies use to convince us that we should be happy to spend all of our lives at work because work is FUN, and SECOND because the best way to ruin something you love is to turn it into an obligation.

Well, some weeks, recapping the Bachelorette feels like work. This week…. was a lot.

First, Paradise, which is supposed to be a source of levity and B roll of pretty blonds having in-depth conversations with wildlife, was canceled because of a rumored terrible/potentially criminal incident.

Second, this week was heavy AF (as I will discuss below).

Third, the end of the episode promo’d a TWO EPISODE SPECIAL EVENT next week that ABC is trying to get us to believe is a Lee/Kenny slugfest. I do not want to see Kenny fall from grace and I especially do not want to devote TWO NIGHTS to the Bachelor next week. What are they trying to do, kill me? Even friends who don’t write way-too-long recaps agree that it feels like homework. Get a grip, ABC. We live in the digital age and we do not have time for your nonsense.

Rant over. Let’s dive in, shall we?

The upholstery in the mansion. I know that there were more important things happening this week, but damn, is that furniture ugly.

But not as ugly as the dude herd’s facial hair. Alex’s scruff is fine, I suppose. But Bryan, you’re awfully patchy, you might want to reconsider your whole look until you can fill in the blanks know what I mean? Lee clearly has a horrendous edge-beard (which seems intolerable in part because he’s such a jerk). And Jesus, Bryce, as a friend of mine noted, you look like “an Amish werewolf.” Get a grip. And a razor.

Speaking of second-tier dudes, how are Jonathan and Adam still around? The tickle monster and the ventriloquist?! Seriously, I think the reason they keep making it through week after week is that they pretty much leave Rachel alone and aren’t pushy about trying to get her attention. If she has to keep some filler dudes who will never make it to the end around, at least she’ll get some peace.

Speaking of pushy dudes. Is it just me or is it the people who are doing the worst in the race for the Bachelor/ette’s heart who cause the most trouble in the house? Correlation? Causation? Chicken? Egg? I guess they just want enough attention to get to Paradise/secure Instagram product placement, so they’re willing to flame out like dummies….

Unlike Peter, who’s playing the long game. He stays out of trouble, avoids the other dudes in the house… he must actually like her. Plus his formalwear is sharp. I’m calling it right now– Rachel and Peter will be hitched by 2018. And I also predict that she will grow to resent his repeated use of “disingenuine.”

Which is just fine by me, because it means Dean’ll still be on the market! I have always found Dean adorable, but this week he absolutely became my favorite. First, he looks like Dave Franco. DAVE FRANCO IS THE BEST FRANCO.

Second, dude’s smile lights up a room.

Third, dear sweet baby Jesus, that story. What I really admire about Dean is that his story only came up when he was having a moment with Rachel. Normally, when something awful has happened to a contestant, ABC trots it out from moment one. But it really seemed like Dean only told Rachel about it because he really likes and gets along with her. And oh my god Dean’s so excited about being a dad. If it’s crazy for someone who’s a contestant on the Bachelor to “fall in love” in mere weeks, does that make it completely insane for me to be in love with Dean after watching him on TV for mere minutes?

Fourth, “BIMP! BIMP!”

In all seriousness, there’s all this fuss amongst the dudes that Rachel won’t end up with Dean because he’s 25. And that’s probably right! Can we all agree that men are just generally way slower to mature than women, which is what can make the older-man/younger-woman dynamic work? It’s not that I think women shouldn’t date younger men if they want to, it’s just that younger men are super difficult to date. Dean could very well be an exception! Plus he looks smokin’ hot in shorts.

I guess we have to talk about Lee and Kenny. Ok y’all, I want to preface this discussion by saying that I know that there has been a lot of controversy swirling around Lee’s pre-reality-show tweets, which, for the purpose of this exercise, I am not going to address. I prefer to stick to the only thing I know anything about, which is TV, and so I tend to watch things within the four corners of the episode (Rachel’s relationship history with Kevin Durant being the exception, because that was TOO GOOD TO IGNORE). That being said…

Lee is such a jerk. Also, possibly (probably?) a sociopath. Purely from an aesthetic perspective, he has a weaselly face, offensive facial hair, and obnoxious taste in formal vests. With his ridiculous swoop of hair, dude looks like a steampunk cockatiel. Plus he has dead eyes.

The intentional, manipulative goading is clearly total dick behavior. It’s also pretty creepy. Lee is obviously the worst and Rachel knows it.* Let’s just rename this season Everybody Hates Lee and move on.

*Spent some time thinking this week about what, exactly, Rachel was referring to when she said that she was in a bad position and that American was going to judge her for her choices. If it were later on in the season I might think it had to do with  we’re at this point in the season, my guess is that it could be about having to keep Lee around? She obviously already can’t stand him and won’t look at him…. Just a guess.

As for Kenny…. poor guy. Anybody targeted by Lee should be pitied. Fortunately he had the smarts and good sense to fess up to Rachel that he shouldn’t have let Lee get to him. It’s hard to tell what Rachel really believes, partly because she has a good poker face, and partly because her fake eyelashes are so heavy that she can’t even look directly at any of the guys during a conversation…..

But the real reason I think Kenny is toast is that he doesn’t really have conversations with Rachel. He is so focused on making points *at* her that he doesn’t talk *to* her. That’s true of a lot of these guys. They have decided she’s future wife material and now are all peacocking and one-upping each other to get to her…. and it’s all a little much. Even if Rachel were inclined towards Kenny (and they don’t seem to have much chemistry, even though she appears to like him for his cute dad-ing), he doesn’t leave much room for her to be a real live person beyond the cool-girl image ABC chose her to project. At least he looks fab in his purple-on-purple formalwear.

With that in mind, three cheers for the mellow dudes! Will! Peter! Dean! That’s about it! BTW I really want to see more of Will. He seems like a delight.

I think we need a palate cleanser. “Corks”/”quirks” should do!

But can any of them spell “cork”? I’m doubtful, at this point. And whichever writer came up with the spelling bee idea– thank you. (and IF YOU ARE READING THIS, HIRE ME PLEASE).

She kept the wrong -iggy! Seriously, she kept Iggy and let Diggy go? I mean, Diggy barely even pretended to be interested in Rachel. But I am real tired of Iggy and his snitching and would much rather watch Diggy accessorize from his rich and varied collection of bow ties. UGH. He’s once more the Taylor of the season. NEXT!

Even though I find Eric to be tiresome, in large part because he is this seasons contestant who suffered off-screen head trauma and no longer remembers he is on a reality dating show rather than dating IRL, it was perceptive of him to recognize that Iggy was bumming the whole freakin group out with his tattling and that this bad behavior would ripple out to Rachel. Good group dynamic assessment, Eric!

Why is Rachel licensed to practice in Wisconsin? I need answers, ABC!

See y’all next week, if I can survive two very special episodes in a row….


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