“I’m gonna shit in Lee’s boots!” Or, Rachel’s Bachelorette Season, Week 5, Part 1

I have to admit I was not at all looking forward to this week’s Bachelorette. First of all, two episodes is one episode (ok, probably two) too many. Second, by virtue of Lee being a jerkface, a show that is supposed to be dumber than paint has turned into a microcosm of the kind of serious conflict and social issues that people generally tune into reality TV to escape…. Let’s just say that much of this week’s subject matter, while obviously worthy of discussion, was the opposite of fluff and Not Much Fun At All.

However, we did get to see the dude herd stuffed into unitards so… that’s something.

We should probably start with Lee and Kenny. I don’t think I add anything to the social commentary dialog beyond what people have already discussed to death, so I’ll just say… Lee’s a superjerk and based on the way he talks, seems like a possible sociopath. In addition he wears fugly bootcut jeans. It is gross that the producers very likely selected and cultivated Lee intentionally in order to create drama and introduce ugliness into the house on Rachel’s season. Can we not give Lee any more brain space or air time? Because I feel like if we do, he kinda wins.

Kenny let Lee get into his head, big time, which was a strategic mistake wrt Rachel. To be clear, Kenny wasn’t in the wrong. But by letting Lee provoke him into being reactive, Kenny lost his shot with Rachel (I know she gave him a rose, but I’m pretty sure it was just to send a message that Lee is terrible– i.e., to not let Lee win). Kenny, don’t leave your girl in a helicopter to go yell at some dude who has already been cut from the team– that’s how you convert a win into a loss, all on your own.

Although the threat to “shit in Lee’s boots” was pretty funny. Except for the fact that the focus on boots highlights that Lee’s shittiness has only reinforced what people (often wrongly) think about southerners. Ugh all around.

Oh a lighter note, Kenny’s kid is adorable. Go Kenny’s kid!

We should also mention Will before we completely wrap up the Lee discussion. Will has a cool head and, it looks like, the highest EQ in the house. He was on point with respect to the Kenny/Lee debacle and also got in a pretty good burn when Lee wondered aloud what Kenny wanted from him– “what [Kenny] wants to hear from you is nothing.”

It really seems like Will’s a bro’s bro, because he is so good at understanding and navigating the dynamics of the dude herd. Around the guys or in his talking heads, he is clever, interesting, observant, and has a super-charming smile. But I was not a fan of him talking through his ex situation with Rachel. Dude, you get like 2 minutes a day to impress this lady, keep things positive! She apparently liked his “openness” though, because he got the rose (which come on, is a way of distracting from the fact that Peter is a shoo in….). Still. Will played handball like a boss. He deserved it!

Seriously though, why do all these guys love talking *at* Rachel? It seems like most of these dudes love to use their time with Rachel as therapy to talk about their issues, their relationship histories, unburden themselves upon her. Maybe she’s ok with it because then they’re being vulnerable and, to use Bachelor-speak, letting down their walls? (ugh) But seriously, they aren’t really tuned into her at all. As I mentioned last week, most of them sure do love projecting shit onto this woman….

… like Josiah, who is definitely not long for the Mansion. Props to Rachel for identifying that he idealizes her in a really uncomfortable and unsexy way (“you’re the woman of my dreams” *hand on shoulder*, shudder)– and for telling him directly that that was what he was doing. His response– “you’re so perceptive” plus fawning smile– was cringeworthy. Josiah is the textbook illustration of the herd’s biggest shortcoming– the dudes don’t want to actually engage with Rachel as a person.

…but not Peter! I mean, just like all the other dudes, Peter has it pretty bad for Rachel. But he has it bad for Rachel-the-person, not Rachel-the-idealized-metaphor-for-womanhood.* He, like, asks her questions! And notices her body language and facial expressions! It’s CRAZY! And she’s all about it. I repeat my prediction that Peter will be Last Man Standing.

*Ugh I hate to say it but these gentlemen are living justification for Amy’s “cool girl” rant from Gone Girl. Thanks a lot, dude her.

In keeping with his generally level head, so far he’s the only guy who truly has not gotten caught up in the bro-on-bro dynamics. As Peter said about the handball tournament, “Rachel’s the prize. Who cares how many goals I score?” +1 million. It’s enough to make up for his indefinably dorky aura. Well, maybe it’s sort of definable, could it be the polo shirts and that his pants look hitched up a tad high? Peter’s ready to be a dad who wears his phone clipped to his belt. But I’m here for it!

Lastly, I hope it’s true that they spent three and a half hours in that hot tub. That close-up of Peter’s hands grabbing Rachel! Did I lose consciousness and the Bachelorette started airing on HBO instead of ABC?!? And by that I mean, GIVE US MORE I WANT TO FEEL THE HEAT!

We still have a whole other episode this week, so let’s dispense with the miscellany:

Bryan combats charm with more charm. Rachel seems to think he’s an awesome person but I have yet to see any evidence of why this may be.

I feel bad for Jack. On the one hand, it’s nice to know that even being attractive isn’t enough to make up for being a little bit lame– because it means that perhaps the converse is true, that having a “great personality” could make up for being uggo (it can’t, but it’s nice to get some hope every now and then). Poor Jack is such a dork, but he seems to have a sweet soul. Rachel totally made up having a cold so she wouldn’t have to kiss him, right? She did the right thing letting him go, but why does she always pick up the rose before she dumps somebody? Cruel!

Adam needs to go. “She’s had a snack, but I want to give her the full kitchen.” NEXT.

Thank god ticklemonster is gone.

Alex might have no shot with Rachel but he’s perfect comic relief, I hope he sticks around a while longer!

Iggy, if this has been “the single most revealing process of [your] entire life,” might be time for some therapy.

Dean looked so uncomfortable during the handball game! I hope he was just hungover. I also hope they showcased him last week because they’re thinking of making him the next bachelor, I’d be all in for a whole season of Dave Franco Lite.

Those unitards were pretty great. At first I was so proud of the dudes for not making any stupid jokes… but nope! ABC just saved those for the credit reel. THANKS ABC!

If I didn’t know that they were making heavy water for the Nazi’s, I’d say that this is the worst thing Norway has ever agreed to….


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