“I’ve taken a Viking to you guys!” or, Rachel’s Bachelorette Season, Week 5, Episode 2

Y’all you know how cats carry toxoplasmosis and it infects their owners’ brains and makes them love the smell of cat pee? I feel like that’s happening to me with the Bachelor franchise. At first I was repelled by the idea of two episodes of the Bachelorette this week– almost 3 hours of TV, followed by blogging time! That’s pure madness!

By midway through part 1 of this week’s Bachelorette installment, I was already feeling it. Worn out, exhausted, couldn’t face another hour. But by the end of Week 5, Part 2… I was hungry for more.

This week is why we watch this nonsense, people.

We aren’t spending any more time on this Lee/Kenny stuff. I realized that I accidentally put my take on Kenny’s going back to the helicopter in last week’s recap. To sum up: it was stupid. After you win you should walk away because there’s nothing to gain but plenty to lose. As Rachel’s eye roll demonstrated. Poor Rachel, that was more of an arson investigation than a two-on-one date.

That whole situation was such a bummer… that we for sure needed a palate cleanser.

Peter’s first rose ceremony tie and scarf did the trick!

But the rose ceremony had some thorns. Why does Adam keep getting a rose? Anthony seemed perfectly nice! Adam is a creep! And if they aren’t going to show AJ why even bother keeping him around? Who is Matt and why is he in Copenhagen? Why does Rachel make so many mistakes picking filler dudes? Every time Rachel looks at the Dude Herd during a rose ceremony, she looks exhausted, like she has to stay up all night and write a really unpleasant brief or something….

The puns were real bad this week, y’all. “I’m cOpen to love.” SEE YOURSELF OUT, Bachelor writers. (ACTUALLY DON’T. GIVE ME A JOB. I’LL WRITE ALL THE PUNS YOU WANT.”

I think I figured out why I have been wary of Eric. It’s because he has a Rose Byrne Perma-Sad Eye Disorder. I.e., even when he’s happy, he still looks bummed. Poor Eric. Even if he is not going to be LMS (Last Man Standing), he and Rachel really seem to have a good time– she actually laughs genuinely around him, not that polite awkward-date smile she has been using on so many of the guys.

he seems pretty sweet, and like he has a high EQ/is self reflective. And parental attachment stuff can really eff a person up. I know he’s going to be really bummed when he gets cut, but I also see good things in his future because he seems like a good dude.

And then ABC gave us the gift we needed and did not deserve– Viking games. I don’t think I’ve ever enjoyed reality television more. Santa came early and he gave us:

  • The “Wiking” fighting instructors!
  • The costumes! oh god, the costumes! Peter looked like he could be Viking royalty! (Maybe he is, he’s from Wisconsin after all). Adam’s weird flesh-toned hat made his head look like a penis!
  • Kenny’s new wrestling alter-ego!
  • Dean getting his butt whooped good-naturedly and hilariously while looking SO ADORABLE!
  • I can’t even describe how good the actual Viking games were. There was wrestling, shoving each other with indeterminate goals, playing tug of war with sticks…. It was just so great!
  • Peter picking Rachel up one-armed! So sweet! She’s so into it!

And thank god Kenny got his eye gash from bashing Adam with a shield! An honorable battle wound. YOU SUCK, ABC, that was real manipulative to stress us all out thinking that Lee and Kenny threw down.

Bye Josiah. Well deserved, as per the previous episode.

So what are we going to do about Bryan? Rachel, you’re a big girl, you can make your own mistakes. But you should listen to your gut. It’s allergic to Bryan, even if your face isn’t.

Kenny went out on the classiest note ever. I know he left his daughter to appear on a reality TV show. Which is ridiculous and probably bad parenting. But of all the parents who have appeared on the Bachelor, Kenny is the only one who has ever shown enough common sense, restraint, and good judgment to question the intentions of the love interest before letting his kid get attached. Kenny, I got frustrated with you last week, but I sure do love you. And isn’t it always the way that someone ending things in a really adult, thoughtful way is what makes you fall in love with them? Ugh. Poor Kenny… but he has what so many people don’t– a great relationship with his kid, who gives him such a lovely pep talk when he’s in the SUV heading to the airport. I’d say he’s ahead of most in life.

I guess I called it with Will when I said they just didn’t have chemistry. Good on Rachel for calling it, but bad on Rachel for YET AGAIN GRABBING THE ROSE BEFORE DUMPING SOMEONE. Seriously, that is CRUEL. Also, is it just me or was this a harsher dumping than the others so far? Poor Will, he’s wonderful, but she’s right that they were a couple of cold fish together. We’ll miss you sir!

Why would anyone design a turtleneck sweater with a boob slash? <eom>

Is it just me or did Rachel’s rose ceremony dress look like the black widow?

WHICH WAS APPROPRIATE, BECAUSE RACHEL KILLED THE FUN FOR NO REASON. Why would you cut Alex? I get that they didn’t have the hugest spark…. But he was so much fun! WHY WOULD ADAM GET A ROSE INSTEAD?

Alex, I hope you’re sitting atop a giant stack of Rubick’s Cubes in the sky.



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