Mama Always Gets the First Kiss (or, Meeting Rachel’s Family: A Bachelorette Story)

Finally! An episode of the Bachelorette without major emotional stakes! Rachel took the final three members of her Dude Herd back to Dallas to meet the family this week, and there was the return of Copper, the (unrelated) appearance of a wine dungeon, and absolutely no life lessons lessons learned. All that is to say, we are swimming once more in familiar waterРthat tepid pond of fairy-tale delusion that is our regular milieu.

IT’S ABOUT TIME!

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Love is Pain (or, Rachel’s Bachelorette Episode 7)

This was basically the Red Wedding of Bachelorette episodes, people. I can’t even. I mean, I know that I must, so I will, but really, I’m so disappointed in Rachel. Especially after last week’s master class in emotional intelligence, this week’s debacle was a real kick in the ‘nads.

What this season of the Bachelorette really illustrates to me is that when it comes to love, there’s no “the one.” There are a bunch of people who, as Dan Savage says, can be rounded up to one. Rachel is faced with four dudes, all of which represent extremely different paths– this season is basically a Choose Your Own Adventure where 3 out of 4 choices would have very pleasant endings. The fourth choice being Bryan. That story would end in being chopped into little pieces and stashed in a freezer by his mother (more on this below).

The good thing about the Bachelorette being so much better than it ever has been before is that, despite yourself, you really come to care about the people involved. The bad thing about the Bachelorette being so much better than it ever has been before is that, despite yourself, you really come to care about the people involved. There are REAL FEELINGS here, and with REAL NONHORRIBLE PEOPLE (a reality TV miracle similar to immaculate conception). Now that we’re so far along, even the nice moments are tinged with sadness, because it’s a pretty big bummer to think about any of these dudes getting their hearts stomped down the road. Except for Bor-yan. Wouldn’t mind seeing that dude cry– or at least, how his mom would react if he did.

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I don’t think I can write about the Bachelorette tonight

Way too upsetting. After peak Rachel last week, this week she really did Dean dirty….

So instead I’ll say how glad I was that my Roku began auto-playing Battle of the Network Stars. A show I would have never turned on on my own, but which is a delight! Celebrities divided hilariously onto teams (the episode i saw– TV lawyers vs. TV White House) competing in athletic challenges (kayaking in Olympic size pools, anyone?!?)? YEP!

*Watch* Yourself (or, Week 6 of Rachel’s Bachelorette Season)

Y’all, I am writing this at cafe with a lovely outdoor patio on a beautiful day. On the one hand it’s wonderful and very conducive to creativity– lots of people writing on ACTUAL PAPER (er I feel a little guilty about my laptop right now) and reading ACTUAL BOOKS (what is this, a time warp?). A guy with a purple mohawk complimented my hair! There are tiny dogs here! I’m going to move to this cafe!

But it has also taken me awhile to write this, because I’ve been a bit distracted by sitting next to the only two people talking about optimizing search terms and scalability– thanks for ruining the mood, GUYS. Fortunately they just took off so I’m now able to focus, and in the process gave me the best parting line which I plan on using in any and every situation: “Ok, I need to pee and then go to acupuncture.”

On to the Bachelorette. Here’s the thing y’all. This week was inspiring, educational, moving…. I truly believe that this week’s episode should be required watching at Adult School, because Rachel pretty much crushed it in terms of teaching the dude herd– and us– how to Relate in a Relationship. Girl is a feelings Jedi.

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