I Read a Book, Y’all!

Yeah it was YA– what do you expect, me to read something legit difficult? Give me a break, my brain is on the Bachelor diet. Anyway, I just finished the Black Witch by Laurie Forest, a moderately creative, reasonably well-written piece of YA that’s basically a cross between Harry Potter, Twilight, and the Shannara Chronicles.

Why, you might ask, would I crack open a book, when there’s so much TV to watch and it requires so little mental effort? The chance to provide y’all with a HAWT TAKE, DUH.

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Byeeeeee Bip

You guys, this is what giving up looks like.

I don’t know if I have the heart to talk about the Bachelor franchises anymore.

When I started Never Leave Your Apartment all those years months ago, one of my goals was to dig deep into reality TV and provide y’all with my Hawt Takes– but I didn’t anticipate this evolving into the Bachelor-centric forum that it has become. After all, there’s so much reality TV out there to explore– Dance Moms! Millionaire Matchmaker! HGTV! An endless world of possibilities!!! And now, I think it may be time to take a step back from the Bachelor and remind myself of the big, wide world out there. You know it’s bad when Abby Lee Miller is a better alternative to your show…..

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G.O.T. HAWT TAKE: Riding the Blue-Eyed Dragon

I don’t really know what that’s supposed to be a metaphor for? But if the Game of Thrones people can just wing it, then I don’t feel bad about doing it too. [INSERT LAZY MONOLOGUE MAKING SUBTEXT OF PSYCHOLOGICAL MOTIVATIONS TEXT, THEREBY CIRCUMSCRIBING THE NEED FOR SUBTLE CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT]

Normally I don’t do fiction recaps, just the pure, unvarnished truth that is reality TV…. But I’m feeling inspired, so as a gift to humanity, here’s my $0.02, in the form of free association:

  • Jon Snow – Labrador
  • Brienne of Tarth – Crossfit
  • Tyrion – sigh
  • Littlefinger – To Catch a Predator
  • Sansa – ginger
  • Aria – Abilify
  • Cersei – Abilify
  • Dany – rigid
  • Tormund – awwwww
  • The Hound – SIGH
  • White-walker dragon – woooooo!

You’re welcome!

“Fingies for Boo Boo”: A Story for Children You Wish to Confuse

Isabella Jenkins couldn’t find Arthur anywhere. She checked in her closet, under her desk, and behind her curtains, but her best friend was nowhere to be found.  

When Isabella’s mom stuck her head in the door, all she could see were Isabella’s feet in their sparkly tennis shoes, sticking out from under the bed as she searched Arthur. “Did you leave the lid off Arthur’s tank again?” Isabella’s mother asked. From under the bed, Isabella muttered that she had.  Isabella’s mother sighed.  Arthur, Isabella’s pet iguana, was constantly escaping as a result of Isabella’s carelessness.

“It’s time to leave for school.  Your father and I will help you look for Arthur later.  And keep the lid on his tank from now on!”

Isabella was about to give up and crawl out from under the bed . . . when a squeaky, creaky voice yelled, “BOO!” right into Isabella’s ear.

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You Can’t Always Get What You Want– So Be Prepared to Settle for a Crappy Backup Instead (or, Rachel’s Engaaaaaaaaged!)

Well Rachel, you did it. You’ve completed your journey.

You’ve boated on Hilton Head and dogsledded through Norway.

You’ve flown a blimp and rappelled down a building.

You’ve stolen the hearts of plenty of dudes. You’ve agonized over who to give your own heart to. And now, well, you got what you were hoping for. You’re engaaaaaaaghed!

I hope that every time you look down at That Finger and see that big-ass sparkly rang, you feel joy. Triumph. Relief at having found a mate. I hope you don’t feel a numbing blanket of dread at the thought of spending the rest of your life staring into Bryan’s vacant eyes…..

But I’m pretty sure you will.

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I Might as Well Make This into a Dean Fansite (It’d be more fun that watching the Bachelorette Men Tell All)

On Monday, the men of this season of the Bachelorette might have told all… but I must admit, I didn’t listen to most.

Look, normally I am ready to do my duty. Even when it feels like my eyeballs are going to fall out from how hard they’re rolling around in my head, I watch every minute of the weekly Qwest for Twue Wuv so that I can then snark about it to y’all. But this week… I just couldn’t.

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