We’re Going On a Bimp! (Or, Rachel’s Bachelorette Season, Week 4)

You know how in modern times, people always tell you to follow your passions, that if you love what you do, you never work a day in your life? I have always been deeply suspicious of that, FIRST as propaganda that tech companies use to convince us that we should be happy to spend all of our lives at work because work is FUN, and SECOND because the best way to ruin something you love is to turn it into an obligation.

Well, some weeks, recapping the Bachelorette feels like work. This week…. was a lot.

First, Paradise, which is supposed to be a source of levity and B roll of pretty blonds having in-depth conversations with wildlife, was canceled because of a rumored terrible/potentially criminal incident.

Second, this week was heavy AF (as I will discuss below).

Third, the end of the episode promo’d a TWO EPISODE SPECIAL EVENT next week that ABC is trying to get us to believe is a Lee/Kenny slugfest. I do not want to see Kenny fall from grace and I especially do not want to devote TWO NIGHTS to the Bachelor next week. What are they trying to do, kill me? Even friends who don’t write way-too-long recaps agree that it feels like homework. Get a grip, ABC. We live in the digital age and we do not have time for your nonsense.

Rant over. Let’s dive in, shall we?

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Trust Me, I’m on a Ketogenic Diet (or, Rachel’s Bachelorette Season, Week 3)

Y’all, ABC is trolling us in the best possible way and it is magnificent. Sure, last week’s basketball antics were fun on their own– but they are FREAKIN’ HYSTERICAL now that we know that in college, Rachel dated KEVIN GOSH DARN DURANT. I have plenty of conspiracy theories about their breakup sending Rachel on a dark, twisted path to reality TV…. but I’ll save those for another post. For now, let’s all let out a collective AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA when we remember the dude herd bricking shots…. and how proud DeMario was because he could dunk. She dated KD y’all! LOLOLOLOL.

Ok, now that we have that out of our system… on to the third week of Rachel’s Qwest for Twue Wuv!

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Bachelorette Week 2 (PART THE SECOND)

Ok y’all. So last time I posted, we concluded that Rachel and Peter were well on their way to having beautiful gap-teethed babies. I am feeling more confident in Rachel’s ability to Make Good Decisions. I got fooled before by Andi. Andi broke my heart. The thing is, she didn’t seem like a dummy. She was bright, quippy, clever, and initially won me over when she put Juan Pablo in his place after spending a night with him in the fantasy suite….

And then she picked Josh. Despite the fact—or perhaps because—he was like all the guys she ever dated. Andi said this! Out loud! And then picked him anyway! And then wrote a book about how awful he was!

So you can see why I was worried about Rachel.  But this week was definitely an improvement. As I mentioned last time, Peter got a gold star…. Same for Dean, who, despite his weird face and HORRIBLE choice of pickup lines, seems like a decent dude. They had a natural conversation, some genuine-seeming laughs, knows both the words “switch” and “toggle,” even though he might not be entirely clear on what they mean. Plus, seems like a good kisser—the gentle face-hold is a good move. Kenny and Josiah did ok for themselves too.* So, we won’t give up on Rachel yet.

*Note—I am still kinda uncomfortable with Josiah.  He started so strong in the first episode, and it’s good that he sees himself as a protector, but he keeps making comments that put me on edge. Last week it was all of the “she’s my wife back off” stuff—this week, it was “she was wearing these legging tights that fit her body like a coca cola bottle.” Just… No. Admittedly I am biased because when I was doing online dating, I was messaged by a gentleman who came off as super nice and normal at first…. Until he started sending me messages telling me how, in the hiking photos on my profile (in my yoga pants and athletic shirts), I looked like I might as well have been wearing lingerie. It only got weirder from there. I was worried enough about ending up in his freezer that perhaps the interaction is unjustly influencing my view of Josiah…. I’ll try to keep an open mind.

And then….there was basketball. Just when I was starting to feel like the episode was getting a little long, Kareem Abdul Jabar showed up. BTW, isn’t he supposed to be super reclusive? I remember reading a profile of him that said he was super reclusive and notoriously cranky—but he’s dishing out dating advice like he and Rachel are best friends. Thank you K.A.J. for doling out the advice, “You don’t have to play basketball to get married.” It was certainly adorable to see Rachel confiding in him. I hope they stay friends!

The power of bromance. My favorite part of each season is seeing the friendships that develop outside of the romantic relationships that are supposed to be the core of the show. Warmed my heart to see the dudes giving each other congratulatory dude-hugs after they finished the game. Only person missin gin the hug huddle was Adam Junior—but we did get a choice shot of him in a jersey. Win!

Traditional gender roles in sport. Watching Rachel lead cheers for the boys brought up fraught memories of my own childhood P.E. classes in Texas, when the boys would get to play flag football outside and the girls would have to stay inside and make up cheers for the boys. Yeah, that’s a thing that happened, and I’m still mad about it. Flag football looks fun! So ABC pushed a few buttons for me this week but that’s ok, we’re all here for Rachel, right?

… or are we?

Ok, I guess we really need to talk about DeMario. DeMario needed to go even before his ex girlfriend (“girlfriend?”) exposed him as a dirty dog. It was bye-bye time as soon as he said that “we’re gonna see who’s built Ford tough,” and that “you can sink with the fishes or swim to shore.” This jury finds him guilty of violence against figures of speech. Plus, dude dunked on Rachel. There is no hero ball in romance.

So DeMario was already on my bad list… and then Lexie showed up. Obviously she is a craven fame-seeker. She delivered a heated, pre-prepared monologue TO THE CAMERA, not even pretending to address her words to any of the hum-ons in the room. But who cares, because that sh*t was JUICY.

DeMario ghosted on someone… to go on the Bachelorette.

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

That’s amazing.

And then, things got even better. When he got caught, DeMario cycled through all the dumbest responses to being busted doing someone dirty. He tried:

  1. “Ohhhhh, who’s this?” Bad move, DeMario. You should have known better than this one. Followed by,
  2. “This chick is psycho.” Ouch. Likely true but not a good look for you, my friend.
  3. Lying lying lying (and doing it top speed). DeMario, you’re talking awfully fast for someone with nothing to hide…. Did he mail her keys back? When did he last text her? Who are we supposed to believe?!?

We thought we were watching the Bachelorette, and we got a bonus episode of the Peoples’ Court!

Rachel of course responded beautifully, conducting an elegant cross-examination exposing him as a dirty liar. “I’m not here to be played, I’m not here to be made a joke of, so I’m really going to need you to get the [bleep] out.” And because ABC has champion editors, we got a shot of a taxidermy raccoon as commentary on the situation.

The cocktail party. Look, I have to admit that by this point I really had run out of steam. ~90 minutes is too long for this, they should keep it to a cool hour and leave us wanting more. The cocktail party wasn’t really that interesting, other than that Rachel a) was foregoing the traditional glass of white wine for some for-real liquor (yay for the sound mixing department for leaving in the ice clinking, you go sound mixing department!) and b) wore a sick dress. But she didn’t need the belt. Her drink was the perfect accessory.

Iggy challenged her to a thumb war. Go away, Iggy. Bryan actually wiped his mouth after kissing her and told her she “came back a little bit emotional.” I wanted to reach through the TV and punch him in his stupid face. You can do better than a chiropractor, Rachel. One of the generic white dudes brought a Barbie Dream House? Still not sure what that was about. Lee got hammered, which wasn’t a good look for him. And while Whaboom is terrible, Blake’s total hatred of him actually makes me want to root for him. Especially when he gives quotes like, “the only leg I have to stand on are my two legs.”

Rachel’s silver lining. As she said, “I’m seeing how these guys deal with conflict, I’m seeing how I deal with conflict, and I’m seeing how we work through this conflict together.” Way to find an upside Rachel!

That Despicable Me Nutella commercial. Goes someone needs to focus group these before they go out. The consistency is wrong. It definitely looks like they’re drawing on those pancakes in poop.

The new Gong Show. How can TV not have come up with anything new in the last million years? I have a list of over one hundred ideas for reality shows that would crush and they keep recycling ‘60s game shows??? CALL ME ABC I GOT THIS!

“TO BE CONTINUED….” More props to sound mixing! The KA-THUNK over the credits was masterful. We’re in good hands this season, people. Stay tuned.

Bachelorette Week Two (Part Un): Airport Burrito Edition

Y’all this was such a good week of the Bachelorette.

I’m not just saying that just because I watched it at JFK airport, jet lagged, loopy, and surrounded by a family of four British children screaming about alleged cheating at UNO.*/**/* **

I’m not just saying it because staring at Rachel’s Dude Herd was the only thing that kept me from weeping frustrated tears as my flight time kept getting pushed back on the Departures board.****

The guest spot by Ashton and Mila. Copper the dog. THE “HUSBAND MATERIAL” OBSTACLE COURSE. A crazy ex gf/lying bro dog/coverup that was worse than the crime! This week was full of good stuff!

Oh, and did I mention that Rachel might actually have some genuinely decent dudes?

With that in mind … Let’s Do This.

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*”Awl yew do is look at peeple’s cahds!” [tears tears tears]

**Could it be true? Was I hallucinating? Did they refer to one of their sprogs as “Dexter”?

*** Could I have moved? Sure. But as a matter of principle I felt it was important to stake out my (comfortable, spacious, plug-adjacent) seat and stare down the feral pack and their fecund parents until they got the message that they should never go out in public again.

*****BTW may I just interject that even if an airport burrito *looks* like a good idea, it is not? The more you know.

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When I get reincarnated, I’m coming back as an Eames chair

I spend so much time exhorting y’all to watch TV that will (not “may,” *will*) make you stupider, I owe it to you to share the only useful media I consumed as part of my thoroughly mediocre public school education.* I don’t know what made me think of this, but you’re welcome.

*Yes, we watched the Teri Polo Phantom of the Opera TV miniseries in my AP English Lit II class… then read the script… all in total burning at least 7 days of class time. Actually, this could explain a lot about my current life circumstances. Will unpack this further in thurpy.

Oh Lord, I’m Going to Need a Bigger TV (or, Rachel’s Bachelorette Season, episode 1)

Y’all, Rachel’s season of the Bachelorette has started. And although I was initially skeptical, after the first episode I am a TRUE BELIEVER. Not least because there is so much hotness all in one place. It’s like Shark Week, but if the sharks were hot dudes…. I’m going to start googling 3D TV. If that’s not a thing yet, ogling this pack of gentleman is the perfect use case. GET ON IT CONSUMER ELECTRONICS INDUSTRY, I EXPECT TO SEE THIS AT CES NEXT YEAR.

How are the men this season so good? Usually they’re a bunch of derps and flakes, but this group has personality! It’s almost as though there was a whole  pool of dudes ABC hadn’t tapped into before… Oh wait. Cough/clear throat…. Anyway, we have much to discuss, so let’s jump right in.

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