Jack Her Up! Or, Five Things I’ve Learned from Say Yes to the Dress

Y’all, I have had the delightful (not sarcastic!) but also bizarre experience recently of being the second set of eyeballs for a delightful friend shopping for her wedding dress. Because my friend is the most low key bride in the world (“I don’t have Pinterest. I like the color blue,” was her response to the “what’s your wedding going to be like?” interrogation by the various bridal consultants), the experience was pleasant and anthropological, and I was grateful to be of some limited assistance to her wedding journey….

However, the experience reawakened one of my more shameful addictions…. It’s hard to admit publicly, but Say Yes to the Dress is basically my version of bath salts. I say I’m going to watch a little, and then a little turns into a lot, and soon I’m rampaging through the streets biting off strangers’ appendages because TRUMPET GOWNS MAKE ME DISSOCIATIVE.

In an effort to find a silver lining to this problem, I have compiled a list of five lessons I have learned over the years from watching SYTTD…..

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I Read a Book, Y’all!

Yeah it was YA– what do you expect, me to read something legit difficult? Give me a break, my brain is on the Bachelor diet. Anyway, I just finished the Black Witch by Laurie Forest, a moderately creative, reasonably well-written piece of YA that’s basically a cross between Harry Potter, Twilight, and the Shannara Chronicles.

Why, you might ask, would I crack open a book, when there’s so much TV to watch and it requires so little mental effort? The chance to provide y’all with a HAWT TAKE, DUH.

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Byeeeeee Bip

You guys, this is what giving up looks like.

I don’t know if I have the heart to talk about the Bachelor franchises anymore.

When I started Never Leave Your Apartment all those years months ago, one of my goals was to dig deep into reality TV and provide y’all with my Hawt Takes– but I didn’t anticipate this evolving into the Bachelor-centric forum that it has become. After all, there’s so much reality TV out there to explore– Dance Moms! Millionaire Matchmaker! HGTV! An endless world of possibilities!!! And now, I think it may be time to take a step back from the Bachelor and remind myself of the big, wide world out there. You know it’s bad when Abby Lee Miller is a better alternative to your show…..

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G.O.T. HAWT TAKE: Riding the Blue-Eyed Dragon

I don’t really know what that’s supposed to be a metaphor for? But if the Game of Thrones people can just wing it, then I don’t feel bad about doing it too. [INSERT LAZY MONOLOGUE MAKING SUBTEXT OF PSYCHOLOGICAL MOTIVATIONS TEXT, THEREBY CIRCUMSCRIBING THE NEED FOR SUBTLE CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT]

Normally I don’t do fiction recaps, just the pure, unvarnished truth that is reality TV…. But I’m feeling inspired, so as a gift to humanity, here’s my $0.02, in the form of free association:

  • Jon Snow – Labrador
  • Brienne of Tarth – Crossfit
  • Tyrion – sigh
  • Littlefinger – To Catch a Predator
  • Sansa – ginger
  • Aria – Abilify
  • Cersei – Abilify
  • Dany – rigid
  • Tormund – awwwww
  • The Hound – SIGH
  • White-walker dragon – woooooo!

You’re welcome!

I Might as Well Make This into a Dean Fansite (It’d be more fun that watching the Bachelorette Men Tell All)

On Monday, the men of this season of the Bachelorette might have told all… but I must admit, I didn’t listen to most.

Look, normally I am ready to do my duty. Even when it feels like my eyeballs are going to fall out from how hard they’re rolling around in my head, I watch every minute of the weekly Qwest for Twue Wuv so that I can then snark about it to y’all. But this week… I just couldn’t.

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Mama Always Gets the First Kiss (or, Meeting Rachel’s Family: A Bachelorette Story)

Finally! An episode of the Bachelorette without major emotional stakes! Rachel took the final three members of her Dude Herd back to Dallas to meet the family this week, and there was the return of Copper, the (unrelated) appearance of a wine dungeon, and absolutely no life lessons lessons learned. All that is to say, we are swimming once more in familiar water– that tepid pond of fairy-tale delusion that is our regular milieu.

IT’S ABOUT TIME!

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Love is Pain (or, Rachel’s Bachelorette Episode 7)

This was basically the Red Wedding of Bachelorette episodes, people. I can’t even. I mean, I know that I must, so I will, but really, I’m so disappointed in Rachel. Especially after last week’s master class in emotional intelligence, this week’s debacle was a real kick in the ‘nads.

What this season of the Bachelorette really illustrates to me is that when it comes to love, there’s no “the one.” There are a bunch of people who, as Dan Savage says, can be rounded up to one. Rachel is faced with four dudes, all of which represent extremely different paths– this season is basically a Choose Your Own Adventure where 3 out of 4 choices would have very pleasant endings. The fourth choice being Bryan. That story would end in being chopped into little pieces and stashed in a freezer by his mother (more on this below).

The good thing about the Bachelorette being so much better than it ever has been before is that, despite yourself, you really come to care about the people involved. The bad thing about the Bachelorette being so much better than it ever has been before is that, despite yourself, you really come to care about the people involved. There are REAL FEELINGS here, and with REAL NONHORRIBLE PEOPLE (a reality TV miracle similar to immaculate conception). Now that we’re so far along, even the nice moments are tinged with sadness, because it’s a pretty big bummer to think about any of these dudes getting their hearts stomped down the road. Except for Bor-yan. Wouldn’t mind seeing that dude cry– or at least, how his mom would react if he did.

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