Byeeeeee Bip

You guys, this is what giving up looks like.

I don’t know if I have the heart to talk about the Bachelor franchises anymore.

When I started Never Leave Your Apartment all those years months ago, one of my goals was to dig deep into reality TV and provide y’all with my Hawt Takes– but I didn’t anticipate this evolving into the Bachelor-centric forum that it has become. After all, there’s so much reality TV out there to explore– Dance Moms! Millionaire Matchmaker! HGTV! An endless world of possibilities!!! And now, I think it may be time to take a step back from the Bachelor and remind myself of the big, wide world out there. You know it’s bad when Abby Lee Miller is a better alternative to your show…..

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G.O.T. HAWT TAKE: Riding the Blue-Eyed Dragon

I don’t really know what that’s supposed to be a metaphor for? But if the Game of Thrones people can just wing it, then I don’t feel bad about doing it too. [INSERT LAZY MONOLOGUE MAKING SUBTEXT OF PSYCHOLOGICAL MOTIVATIONS TEXT, THEREBY CIRCUMSCRIBING THE NEED FOR SUBTLE CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT]

Normally I don’t do fiction recaps, just the pure, unvarnished truth that is reality TV…. But I’m feeling inspired, so as a gift to humanity, here’s my $0.02, in the form of free association:

  • Jon Snow – Labrador
  • Brienne of Tarth – Crossfit
  • Tyrion – sigh
  • Littlefinger – To Catch a Predator
  • Sansa – ginger
  • Aria – Abilify
  • Cersei – Abilify
  • Dany – rigid
  • Tormund – awwwww
  • The Hound – SIGH
  • White-walker dragon – woooooo!

You’re welcome!

You Can’t Always Get What You Want– So Be Prepared to Settle for a Crappy Backup Instead (or, Rachel’s Engaaaaaaaaged!)

Well Rachel, you did it. You’ve completed your journey.

You’ve boated on Hilton Head and dogsledded through Norway.

You’ve flown a blimp and rappelled down a building.

You’ve stolen the hearts of plenty of dudes. You’ve agonized over who to give your own heart to. And now, well, you got what you were hoping for. You’re engaaaaaaaghed!

I hope that every time you look down at That Finger and see that big-ass sparkly rang, you feel joy. Triumph. Relief at having found a mate. I hope you don’t feel a numbing blanket of dread at the thought of spending the rest of your life staring into Bryan’s vacant eyes…..

But I’m pretty sure you will.

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I Might as Well Make This into a Dean Fansite (It’d be more fun that watching the Bachelorette Men Tell All)

On Monday, the men of this season of the Bachelorette might have told all… but I must admit, I didn’t listen to most.

Look, normally I am ready to do my duty. Even when it feels like my eyeballs are going to fall out from how hard they’re rolling around in my head, I watch every minute of the weekly Qwest for Twue Wuv so that I can then snark about it to y’all. But this week… I just couldn’t.

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Mama Always Gets the First Kiss (or, Meeting Rachel’s Family: A Bachelorette Story)

Finally! An episode of the Bachelorette without major emotional stakes! Rachel took the final three members of her Dude Herd back to Dallas to meet the family this week, and there was the return of Copper, the (unrelated) appearance of a wine dungeon, and absolutely no life lessons lessons learned. All that is to say, we are swimming once more in familiar water– that tepid pond of fairy-tale delusion that is our regular milieu.

IT’S ABOUT TIME!

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Love is Pain (or, Rachel’s Bachelorette Episode 7)

This was basically the Red Wedding of Bachelorette episodes, people. I can’t even. I mean, I know that I must, so I will, but really, I’m so disappointed in Rachel. Especially after last week’s master class in emotional intelligence, this week’s debacle was a real kick in the ‘nads.

What this season of the Bachelorette really illustrates to me is that when it comes to love, there’s no “the one.” There are a bunch of people who, as Dan Savage says, can be rounded up to one. Rachel is faced with four dudes, all of which represent extremely different paths– this season is basically a Choose Your Own Adventure where 3 out of 4 choices would have very pleasant endings. The fourth choice being Bryan. That story would end in being chopped into little pieces and stashed in a freezer by his mother (more on this below).

The good thing about the Bachelorette being so much better than it ever has been before is that, despite yourself, you really come to care about the people involved. The bad thing about the Bachelorette being so much better than it ever has been before is that, despite yourself, you really come to care about the people involved. There are REAL FEELINGS here, and with REAL NONHORRIBLE PEOPLE (a reality TV miracle similar to immaculate conception). Now that we’re so far along, even the nice moments are tinged with sadness, because it’s a pretty big bummer to think about any of these dudes getting their hearts stomped down the road. Except for Bor-yan. Wouldn’t mind seeing that dude cry– or at least, how his mom would react if he did.

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I don’t think I can write about the Bachelorette tonight

Way too upsetting. After peak Rachel last week, this week she really did Dean dirty….

So instead I’ll say how glad I was that my Roku began auto-playing Battle of the Network Stars. A show I would have never turned on on my own, but which is a delight! Celebrities divided hilariously onto teams (the episode i saw– TV lawyers vs. TV White House) competing in athletic challenges (kayaking in Olympic size pools, anyone?!?)? YEP!