Jack Her Up! Or, Five Things I’ve Learned from Say Yes to the Dress

Y’all, I have had the delightful (not sarcastic!) but also bizarre experience recently of being the second set of eyeballs for a delightful friend shopping for her wedding dress. Because my friend is the most low key bride in the world (“I don’t have Pinterest. I like the color blue,” was her response to the “what’s your wedding going to be like?” interrogation by the various bridal consultants), the experience was pleasant and anthropological, and I was grateful to be of some limited assistance to her wedding journey….

However, the experience reawakened one of my more shameful addictions…. It’s hard to admit publicly, but Say Yes to the Dress is basically my version of bath salts. I say I’m going to watch a little, and then a little turns into a lot, and soon I’m rampaging through the streets biting off strangers’ appendages because TRUMPET GOWNS MAKE ME DISSOCIATIVE.

In an effort to find a silver lining to this problem, I have compiled a list of five lessons I have learned over the years from watching SYTTD…..

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“I’m gonna shit in Lee’s boots!” Or, Rachel’s Bachelorette Season, Week 5, Part 1

I have to admit I was not at all looking forward to this week’s Bachelorette. First of all, two episodes is one episode (ok, probably two) too many. Second, by virtue of Lee being a jerkface, a show that is supposed to be dumber than paint has turned into a microcosm of the kind of serious conflict and social issues that people generally tune into reality TV to escape…. Let’s just say that much of this week’s subject matter, while obviously worthy of discussion, was the opposite of fluff and Not Much Fun At All.

However, we did get to see the dude herd stuffed into unitards so… that’s something.

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We’re Going On a Bimp! (Or, Rachel’s Bachelorette Season, Week 4)

You know how in modern times, people always tell you to follow your passions, that if you love what you do, you never work a day in your life? I have always been deeply suspicious of that, FIRST as propaganda that tech companies use to convince us that we should be happy to spend all of our lives at work because work is FUN, and SECOND because the best way to ruin something you love is to turn it into an obligation.

Well, some weeks, recapping the Bachelorette feels like work. This week…. was a lot.

First, Paradise, which is supposed to be a source of levity and B roll of pretty blonds having in-depth conversations with wildlife, was canceled because of a rumored terrible/potentially criminal incident.

Second, this week was heavy AF (as I will discuss below).

Third, the end of the episode promo’d a TWO EPISODE SPECIAL EVENT next week that ABC is trying to get us to believe is a Lee/Kenny slugfest. I do not want to see Kenny fall from grace and I especially do not want to devote TWO NIGHTS to the Bachelor next week. What are they trying to do, kill me? Even friends who don’t write way-too-long recaps agree that it feels like homework. Get a grip, ABC. We live in the digital age and we do not have time for your nonsense.

Rant over. Let’s dive in, shall we?

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